You were there

This last week was the worst pain I’ve ever endured. It was a complete nightmare. I know you didn’t know what to do or say and you still don’t. But you were there.

You held me tight as I struggled to breathe and hold back my tears even though your shirt was already soaked. You kissed my forehead and as you stared at my face you saw me. I was completely vulnerable, scared and drowning in pain. You were there. You always managed to get me to smile and laugh even though inside I felt like I was dying.

Every day that I broke down you reminded me that we are strong and will get through this together. You told me how much you loved me. You picked up the pieces and supported us where I lacked. For days I didn’t want to cook or clean or really do much of anything. I see all that you did and continue to do. You were there. I know this has changed us and our communication has been down. I know that through all of this pain my love for you has grown tenfold.

You held my hand and walked me through the hospital to pre-op. You checked me in and we sat in the waiting room in complete silence holding hands. They finally took us back and you tied my awful purple paper hospital gown. You sat by my bed and made me laugh, keeping my mind off of the upcoming surgery. You told me you loved me and shortly after several nurses and doctors were in our room poking, prodding and asking a million questions. I was rolled back to the operating room and you left.

When I woke up I immediately started crying and looking for you. My mind was trying to play catch up and the nurse just kept telling me it’s okay to cry after a procedure like that but all I wanted was you. Because of COVID you weren’t allowed to be with me. You were only minutes away and was there as soon as they told you that you could be. You helped me into the car, held my hand, got me lunch and picked up my medications.

We got home and you held me close and fell asleep with me. You gave me my meds. You found me laying on the bathroom floor after I had been throwing up and cramping. You grabbed my hands, picked me up and carried me to bed. You checked on me some more. You told me you loved me more than life. You were there.

I know that losing our baby has been hard on the both of us. I know you don’t know what to do or say but you were there and that has been more than enough.

Backstory: We had gone in for an ultrasound only to find out that our son did not have a heart beat.

This was my first pregnancy.

We did more testing, my first of two HCG draws was perfectly on track but the second set showed my levels were dropping. My body did not want to let go of our baby and 8 days later I had a D&E.

I don’t know how I would have gotten through any of this pain without my significant other. I am forever thankful and blessed to have such an amazing man in my life💕