Advice on my relationship?

Question

Hello! I’m seeking any advice offered on whether or not I should stick with my guy. I’m a survivor of trauma and due to my ptsd and childhood sex abuse, I wasn’t able to have a relationship until I was 25–2 years ago. I have never had another relationship and I really don’t know if the things going on in my relationship are normal or if I should leave him. 
        A little context: my partner is from India and works a very high pressured job with a big, notoriously cutthroat company. He can be very brusque and that was difficult for us at first. If you’ve ever seen “The Ranch”, he describes himself as the equivalent of Beau Bennett. First, the bad things that concern me:
       The first year of our relationship, we were apart quite a lot due to him being out of town, visiting family members, etc, and that really put a strain on our relationship and made me feel so distant and alone. He forgot to do something for nearly every occasion in our relationship (birthday, V. Day, etc) which really disappointed me as I have never had those sweet gestures and celebrations, and wanted to experience them with him. When it came to V day and American holidays I chalked it up to cultural differences. But I had planned things for him and let him know I was going to do something for him and why, so I was confused when no gesture was returned. He has been improving on this front, but even most recently he did not do anything g for our anniversary. I suspected he was trying to save his ass when he said that he was writing me a love letter that I would need to wait a week for, and I received the letter a little over a month after our anniversary after many failed promises that I would get it “tomorrow”.
         My partner does not help at all with housework, citing that he did not learn how to clean as a child due to their house help and joking that I am now here to do it.
         I notice my partner ogling at women in public at times, although he denies it when it’s very obvious. He even makes this “oooooo/mmmmm” sound that makes my stomach churn. 
          My partner’s relationships with coworkers have been a point of contention for us. When we met, he had a somewhat inappropriate friendship with a girl from work wherein they would talk nearly daily in the evenings and it was not until another coworker mentioned that she thought something was going on between them that he cut it off. A year after I first mentioned that it made me uncomfortable. I guess we come from different professional worlds but his continued after-hours personal chats with coworkers makes me uncomfortable at times. 
        I feel uncomfortable eating around him. He projects this stiff body language and seems almost surprised/disgusted when I eat. I lost over 100 lbs right before we met and although I am now a size 8, I think knowing I was a size 22 bothers him.
         Now for the wonderful things: as far as I know, he is honest with me. He has always been transparent with me when girls have messaged him on Instagram or he has received emails from his ex—providing me with the proof of him blocking them and not responding. He has worked through some difficult times with me. At the 1 year mark, I stupidly accused him of cheating after he sent me a picture that did not look like his room. He broke up with me after that and although we got back together hours later, I intentionally distanced myself emotionally over the following month while we were apart due to a family visit. He found conversations between a friend and I regarding the fact that I did not feel I loved him anymore, and we worked through it.
        He can be so easygoing and funny, and his skin is a mile deep, I swear. He always tells me he loves me too even if we’re in the most heated argument. Even if he’s pissed out of his mind at me, if I say I love you, he says it back. I feel he has been patient with me regarding my intimacy issues. When I look at him I see perseverance and stability—I trust him. So at this point I think it’s a matter of compromising not to have the thoughtful touch on things, but having a partner who is honest, committed and who I know loves me. Any thoughts/advice here would be appreciated. I love him very much but a part of me keeps wondering what I could be missing out on that I’m not getting in this relationship.

Answer

Ok, a few things. First of all, trust your instincts. I am recovering from PTSD too and I know how hard that can be when it’s easy to feel paranoid about everything. But there comes a time when you’ve just got to trust your gut. And I think based off what you’ve said here, you know something is wrong, even if you don’t totally trust that feeling. 
He is absolutely wrong for saying that he never learned how to clean and that that’s what you’re there for. There’s no excuse. If he lives there, he can learn to help out. It’s not difficult. You aren’t his maid.
He is also wrong for blatantly checking out other women and following it up with weird noises. That’s incredibly disrespectful to you first and foremost, but also those women who probably don’t want to be ogled by a man they don’t know.
Finally, him being critical about you eating is dangerous ground. Please pay attention to your mental health when it comes to that. 
I know you mentioned that aside from those things, he’s a great partner. But the thing is, when you’re in a relationship, the good things don’t just automatically cancel out the bad things. Even in abusive relationships there are often still “good” things or “good” parts about it. (Not saying you’re in an abusive relationship, just using it as an example because obviously no one should stay in an abusive relationship because it’s clearly unhealthy, and yet they may still find “good” in it). 
I’m not saying I think you should break up with him, because it sounds like there’s potential for it to be a good relationship. But there needs to be some serious work done on communication. And you need to speak up and set some boundaries. He doesn’t need to be so outwardly ogling other women, and he can help out with things. 
Hope this helps

Answer

Honestly, it’s cultural differences. Americanized or American women don’t date these type of men because of these reasons. 
My husband is middle eastern. He hasn’t cleaned a day in his life. In fact he takes off his clothes and leaves them where he takes them off. He flosses his teeth and out throws the floss on the counter. Lmao 
Oh and when I first met him he didn’t even know his own family members bdays. He was not into birthdays at all and it took him like a year to remember mine bc id always quiz him haha 
He is a little bit better now at being more emotionally connected because at first he was distant and emotionally unavailable 
But all the other stuff he is the same and will remind the same. He grew up in a culture where the women did all the work. His mom always picked up after him so he has that mentality 
If you dojtlike it pack your bags. It’s extremely hard to change someone stuck in their ways and beliefs. ￼  ￼￼

Answer

I definitely see that it’s a cultural thing. And in all honesty, some Indian men tend to think women are beneath them. I don’t think that’s the case here, but what you’ve described thus far, made me think of it. 
Especially his “joke”. 
In a relationship, there’s compromise. It really isn’t hard to remember your SO birthday or something special to you. He should want to. 
I guess the question is, does he makes you feel loved/better more than your issues you dislike abt him? 
I like to think if down the line, you have a family, you’d have no help. Now if he’s willing to pay for cleaning person, nanny etc, then maybe but still. Just some things to consider.

Answer

Even Beau Bennett did shit for the women in his life and did housework. That's a lot of big red flags. Do what you want but that wouldn't be worth my time. There are always going to be attractive people you encounter but it's not difficult to notice them and move on and it's definitely not difficult to keep your trap shut and your things to yourself. It sounds like he's putting in effort to amend his past inappropriate behavior but it's not difficult to mark dates on the calendar in your phone and spend the day with you for your birthday or anniversary.
Maybe

Answer

No, that is not how a man treats his partner or vice versa. There is no disgust, there are no secrets, you don't have to coach him how to treat you nor tell him what you're asking for. When you have a partner, there's honest communication. It's not always perfect but never is it hidden or intentionally cruel. Drop him and find a man. You are not his servant. The pros are meaningless if those cons exist. 
Never settle for less than you deserve. NEVER. You deserve the best and you're worth it 😊

Advice on my relationship?

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