I used to have a full life.

I used to have friends. Talked to my family. Owned a company. Had employees. Felt purpose.

5 years & a relapse later and everything is messed up.

But the worst part of it is that I've been trying to fix things for so long and now I don't even have the motivation to get out of bed.

For the past week I've done almost nothing but watch netflix and the bare minimum to keep my bf (long distance) and sponsor interested in continuing to be in my life.

I've definitely had suicidal ideation but not enough to do anything about it. I couldnt leafe my parents behind. I feel like I'm just waiting for them to pass away so I can go too.

I know this is not a chemical imbalance that medications could help, but rather situational depression. My therapist said it would be strange if I didnt feel this way given my life circumstances. It's my character that's fucked up and I've just lost hope.

But I feel like some people just have more will to live than others. More courage. More drive. I used to... but I just feel so lost.

I dont feel like I pity myself but maybe that's what it sounds like. I think I just lost faith in myself and in the world.

I've isolated myself because I'm so embarassed about feeling like this and I dont want to bother anyone. I joined a suicide prevention group on fb and posted a little there too...

Does anyone else feel like me?