hello. before anyone says it, yes i’m in therapy. yes i’ll be telling my therapist all of this in our next session.

i don’t know where to begin, so I guess i’ll start with where the lying began. i met this guy after i got out of a toxic marriage.

ok wait let’s back up now. the marriage was toxic because of me. i had a lot of growing up to do, and have done a little, but in very incredibly monstrous wrong ways. i’ve become more manipulative.

but anyways, so i get out of this toxic marriage that’s my fault mostly (i mean, he cheated, but i can recognize i made him feel the need to). i meet this guy and i’m like “let’s just be fwb” so i’m thinking i’m just going to have a few good nights with this guy and that’ll be it. so i start lying. then the lies start getting dark. why? i don’t know, honestly.

i think it has something to do with my need for attention. i grew up with a father where i didn’t know what was expected of me, but SOMETHING was. does that make sense? but i’m 23 now and it’s not about him. i know right from wrong and it’s not his fault now. it’s mine.

so one day i tell him i was kidnapped for a week by a guy i met on an anon app and impregnated, and lost the baby at 36 weeks because it was too weak. i also told him that my parents sent me to a rehab center down south in my state because i didn’t want to be home.

little did i know i’d marry this guy and live my best life with him, with this lie eating at me every single day.

the truth is i did meet a guy on an anon app and was sexually assaulted, but he let me go after. i didn’t get pregnant. please before you judge too much i knew this was wrong then too and let me personally say I’m sorry if you’ve gone through losing a child at any stage of pregnancy and i used your story for attention. i’m so, terribly, massively sorry. i realize how terrible this is and i just, have a lot of demons to work through. additionally, if you’ve been kidnapped i am just as sorry. this is not ok for anyone to do. it was wrong and i know there is nothing i can do to make it up to all of the warriors out there who have personally endured this. but you need to know i wish i could.

so i end up continuing with this guy and i tried to get pregnant a month into us dating and i got an evap line on a pregnancy test. so i told him i was pregnant. when naturally i got my period i told him i lost it. again if you’ve suffered through a miscarriage i am so sorry for using your story.

i hate to admit this but it needs to be done... i’ve done this two other times through out our relationship. the most recent one being this last week.

i want to come clean. it’s time. how do i go about this? do i just blurt it out? do i start off with an explanation?

i know he is going to leave, and i understand why. i don’t deserve to be loved until i get my shit right and that’s ok. i understand what i’ve done is actually unforgivable, but i hope to somehow redeem myself in coming clean instead of forever keeping it a secret.