I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd earlier this month. I believe I was about 7 weeks this past Sunday when I started spotting and having cramps. I went to the ER and all they could tell me was that they saw a sac on the ultrasound but my hcg levels were low (580). Yesterday I continued to have severe cramps and spot more, passing some clots. My doctor had me get more blood work done to retest my hcg levels. They continued to lower. At that point my doctor had basically confirmed I was miscarrying. Today I passed what I believe was the sac. I had been wearing a pad and felt a gush of blood come out and when I looked it was a whiteish sac the size of a grape.

My thoughts and emotions are all over the place. First of all, this wasn't a planned pregnancy but that's not to say it wasn't welcomed. But when I found out, I became worried and scared because we had just found out we were probably going to have to move and my son had just turned 2. I questioned if I could handle it. I also worried because I had a large SCH in my first pregnancy and had to be on bedrest. I feel like I worried too much, and I complained about stupid shit, like how I had finally gotten in shape and that I'd have this baby 5 months before our rescheduled wedding next year. I'm ashamed of myself for thinking such things. It didn't mean I didn't want this baby. I was supposed to have my first ultrasound on the 31st and was planning ways to announce. I had of course told family but I couldn't wait to publicly announce it.

I'm not sure how to process this. I wasn't even sure what to do with the pad that the sac is on..it may sound weird or stupid but I wrapped it in toilet paper and stared at it, crying, and couldn't bring myself to throw it in the trash. It's wrapped in a bag right now. I almost didn't write this post because I feel ashamed and shocked..I blame myself..I don't know what to say or do..