TW Abuse and Change

I love my boyfriend, we have two girls together (9 and 20 months)- but he’s abusive. The first time he was violent (the first time I should have left and the last) he grabbed my hair and beat my head off a window in a car while driving and when I tried to run he pulled me in by my hair again. That happened over a girl who he was fucking on the side the same day as me after telling me he was only seeing me and no one else. But here he was still getting her nudes and referring to himself as a dog for banging two chicks a day- proud of it. He used to call me down to the dirt before we were officially together and say he didn’t know why I was obsessed with him, while he would talk about our future with me and was kind and compassionate. The first time he properly beat me, I was 5 months pregnant on my first, I tried to run naked away because he had my clothes and he would pull me back by my hair. I had a bite mark on my cheek, a black eye and he hit my stomach, he also head butt me and hit me many times but the marks weren’t so obvious. I was staying with his family and they never said anything about the very obviously covered with makeup marks I had, not even at the wedding. He apologized and asked if I could ever forgive him, and if I hadn’t of been a 9 hour drive from home and in an unfamiliar area, he would have never had the chance because I’d of been gone, but because I was stuck with him for another 4 days, I had no choice but to be in close quarters with him and things returned to normal. I don’t think you understand how that happens unless you’ve been through it but it’s absolutely insane to think now that I allowed that. Another time I was hit was after I found messages of him talking to another girl saying that he bets she tastes good and saying he was single. I tired to leave him then, but he pulled me in and said it would never happen again. I believed him, I was in love with him. I forgave him after relapsing and hurting myself, sitting on the floor crying and screaming, ripping my own hair out, “WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH EVER”. I called the cops on him one night after he hit me and pushed me around while I was drunk and it wasn’t even particularly aggressive as the past times but I think it was the fact that he kicked a hole in my 65” in smart tv that I bought because I was leaving him and he wanted to making sure I’d have absolutely nothing, and that he just laughed at me when he saw my finger hanging open and me crying begging him to help me wrap it, I think that’s what pushed me to call. But the trauma of knowing they took him away and pressed charges even though I WASNT and I didn’t want him arrested, just away from me, that trauma had me up ALL night and down to the courts in the morning to save him. I said I lied. He still had to get a lawyer and he blames me still to this day. Its MY fault I called the cops on him for being abusive. In fact, if you didn’t hear yet from him, it’s also my fault that HE is abusive.

I push him, I push him til he breaks, but it’s okay for him to ignore me when I’m speaking to him or yell at me if he does decide to grace me with an answer. It’s okay for him to tell me no one but him could ever love me, and I don’t know how good I have it because no one else would put up with me. I don’t clean even though I’m always cleaning he just expects me to clean my mess, my children’s mess, his mess and he doesn’t want to see any mess in between. When he sees me clean it isn’t good enough. He reads my messages even though I’ve got absolutely nothing to hide but he has no problem messaging other girls and I don’t even find those by snooping, he has his accounts blatantly hooked up to my phone and knows I get the notifications. I’m getting tired of getting notifications for accepted follow requests for a bunch of naked chicks too seeing him like photos of girls who look like crackheads but won’t like a single one of mine unless it’s secretly me on his account which is just fuxking sad. He’s let at least three of his friends come after me and try to fight me once while I was pregnant and once with my kids there. When there’s an argument or a fight he never picks up for me or takes my side. The most recent time he hurt me was when he saw me make a status that he didn’t like and I ran down my stairs and out the door barefoot, he caught me by my hair, threw me to the ground and hauled me over concrete and up the stairs into the house. Nobody who saw called the cops. He thought someone did and called them a RAT. Isn’t that fucking hilarious to think someone isn’t okay with abuse bud... not everyone is your breed of insane. I’m not even going to mention all the times in between, I’ll just let you know that yes he has beat me in front of my kids while he cried and screamed mommy the whole time. That breaks my heart, I don’t want my kids to be traumatized like I was and I pray to anyone that listens that she never remembers that day.

Right now I cant afford to go live my life on my own, or go back to school without his help, he just expects me to keep forgiving him because I always have. I already know that once I get shit together enough to finish my degree and get a job offer and OR an acceptance to law school, I’ll be leaving his ass so far into the dust. That’s if he hasn’t changed, and that’s the point of this post. Because this may be controversial, but I really truly do believe that abusers can with the right therapy and help and mindset, become better people who no longer follower the cycle of abuse. My opinion here is that I really don’t think this man will ever change sadly, I’ve given him 3 years already, and I really am not IN love with him anymore, today I’m actually kind of numb and I’m 24 now and I give him 4 years tops, this relationship has an expiration date as of now. I still love him, I really do and I always always will no matter how much he hurts me. But if he doesn’t care enough to change for his daughters and his family then he can go back and live with his mom in his 30s, because she is damn well the only person who will always enable his shitty behaviour, she’s already doing it for both him and his 33 year old brother who are both woman beating gentleman. That’s no hate on her either because I love his mom to death, but unfortunately she’s got the same problem as me and isn’t as strong, she loves him too. God help us both.

Edit for clarification:

He’s never hurt my girls, and if he ever did I would take a risk and leave but right now he directs all his anger to me, and I could never see him hurting them, just me. Yeah, it’s obvious he doesn’t love me, I get that. I ’ve been saving money that he doesn’t know about and if I need to leave at any time in the near future I hopefully will be able to, but unless things change, I can handle a few more beatings if it means giving me and my girls a better chance at life. I’m not going to go homeless or live with an equally as abusive family just to not be around him. If I get hit a couple times a week or beat once a month but it gives me the chance to get ahead, I’m ok with it. I’m a smart girl, and i do fight back when I can, I’m just sharing this to talk to people who may have gone through or are going through something similar, you guys are amazing and I hope you know that, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I wish it hadn’t taken so long for me to understand that.