I think my marriage is failing... 😔

My husband and I have known each other for 12 years. We’ve been married for 3 of those years and since have produced 2 BEAUTIFUL boys. But we’ve had so many issues almost immediately after getting married.

A couple of months after we were married his dad was diagnosed with cancer. He was under a lot of stress and I made the mistake of listening to my mom. We started fighting and that was the first time he brought up the “d” word. But I tried to just push that thought away because I figured it was just the pressure of his dad dying and us rejecting his dream job in his dream city in order to come back home to take care of his family.

Well, a couple of months after that his dad passed away. I was almost sure that our marriage was over because our fights intensified and became more frequent. Then, we learned that I was pregnant. And I was both full of joy and sorrow at the same time. We always wanted kids but I didn’t want us to just “stick it out” because of the kids. But that’s what ended up happening.

I begged for us to get counseling. And after a few months we finally did. But I don’t think it was really helping. I learned that he had been reaching out to old girlfriends. I found out in his FB messages that he paid this girl he’s never met for naked photos (which when I confronted him about it his explanation was that his friend asked him to check on his gf and see if she is was cheating). Idk. Later down the line I found out he was screen-shotting our conversations and sharing them with a friend of his that’s always over our house.

There’s seriously like a LIST of things and I can go on and on. And I’m not saying that I’m blameless. I know now that there are things I shouldn’t have said and I understand that men need to be respected and appreciated, which I didn’t completely grasp that in the beginning. It’s just A LOT!

But like I said, we’ve seen a counselor together. We still actively see a counselor privately to work on our personal stuff. We’ve had sessions with our pastor. I just don’t know what to do.

It’s getting to the point where sex is just sex. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the sex is amazing. We’ve never struggled in that department. But now, we’re so detached emotionally (and there’s so much unresolved issues) that the sex is just (really great) sex.

Now the “d” word comes up (on both ends) more often because we’re both exhausted and he says I give him anxiety. He has even confirmed that I can do 100 things right, but when I do the one thing wrong it gives him anxiety and he needs to just get away.

Idk. I don’t know what I’m doing here! I know that to some degree we still love each other. We can be sweet and gentle with one another. But now the smallest problem explodes into this huge, chaotic disaster.

Anyhow, as of recent, we’ve been fighting (and Hurricane Laura hasn’t helped our stress). But tonight we had amazing, heated sex. But once we were done, I rolled over and silently cried because my heart was longing for us to be okay. And to feel confident that we’d make it. But I’m not so sure we will. 😔😔