More, or done? Back and forth...

I had my first child, my daughter, in January. I love her very much and I’m grateful for the experience to be a parent.

I keep going back and forth about whether I want more children or not. I’m 29 and don’t want to wait long if I do have more, especially because my husband is six years younger than me and he’s still full of energy lol. I’m also a bit scarred by my abusive childhood - I was my parents’ first child, and they were not good parents, but they went on to have two more anyway. My siblings and I are not close as a result of our upbringing.

My daughter is experiencing the antithesis of my own childhood, in terms of attention and love, yet I am still hesitant. Perhaps being an only child would be very nice?

I do miss having time for myself. As my daughter gets older I know it keeps getting better, but with another one it’s back to square one. I think my husband wants more but he will put me first so it’s really my decision. But then there are days when I sense my daughter would like a playmate. I always thought I’d have a very large family but now I wonder if I’ve changed.

I’m sure this is a normal feeling but if there are other mums who went back and forth, please let me know what conclusion you came to, and why? Or did fate decide for you?