Can’t Stop Feeling Terrified

Last night, I panic attacked myself to sleep. I’m only 4w3d and I’ve already convinced myself I’m going to miscarry again. I had my first loss last year (I’m actually pregnant at the exact same time I was pregnant last year, nearly down to the week) and it was a BO. I knew the loss was coming because I bled through the whole pregnancy until I was given meds to pass the pregnancy at 8 weeks. My second loss happened in March, the pregnancy was over pretty much as soon as it started.

My OBGYN ended up prescribing me CLOMID to start my next cycle in September but surprise, surprise I got pregnant! The anxiety WILL NOT STOP. I’ve convinced myself multiple times that I’m going to miscarry again even though I’m not showing any signs of a miscarriage. My test lines are getting darker but I keep freaking myself out believing they’re not getting darker fast enough.

My OB refused to do betas for me, said to wait until I’m 8 weeks to come in. I’ve had other issues with him in the past where I felt like I wasn’t being heard so I’ve decided to drop him. So now I have an appointment with a midwife at a well-reputable midwifery. It’ll be on September 22.

I just need to make it to September 22nd. I want so fucking badly to hear my baby’s heartbeat for the first time. I’ve never gotten that chance with any of my pregnancies. I’ve never gotten to see a healthy embryo in an ultrasound. I’ve never gotten to see past being 8 weeks pregnant. I want this to be my time; I want this to be my rainbow... but I have no control over how this turns out and it’s driving me crazy.

I don’t know how to be calm. I don’t know how to not be scared. I don’t want this stress to hurt my baby. I’m seriously considering paying out of pocket for some betas so I can at least know what to expect. How do you guys do it, those of you far along in your pregnancy after a previous loss??? This is so fucking terrifying!