Please help me; need honest feedback

My pregnancy story

During the morning sickness he said it was all in my head and I was so emotional. Even though I was throwing up physically almost every night. That hurt me so bad and made me angry but I did not even energy to confront him. So almost two month of my morning sickness I went through it alone. I Could not do things I used to love and enjoy but it was okay. I did it. And I went through.

I have Made four or five abortion appointments so far. I do not proud of myself I cried every time. Trust me. Most women when they are going through it. It leaves them a big scar in her soul and heart. But I have made for five abortion appointments so far in 19 weeks. He said I was doing it to threaten him to get his attention. If that is true.That is so sad. That is the only way I can get his attention.

Um... I was so sad and unhappy. I did not get any help or anticipation from him. I don’t have families or close friends who can help me here. He is the only one who can help.

He made maybe four breakfast during my pregnancy. And I did not want that anymore. Because I could feel that he was not happy for doing it.

Again thinking about abortion is not fun at all. Seriously.

But He told his friends about it. That hurts me. It should be private. And only between us. Seriously. But he told his friends. I am afraid that they think I am a horrible person and don’t love this baby. And he is the knight and a good guy. And I know one of his friends never say hello to me anymore and look at me with angry eyes. I did not do anything wrong. He just uses all of my ups and downs to share with friends to isolate me from them. Anyway. I am not close to them. And never will be.

The most fear I have with him is this. He will definitely tell this abortion thing to the kid. He will. He loves to talk personal stuff with his friends. He doesn’t care about my emotions. he will be busy to manipulate the child that I am a horrible mother who constantly to kill you. And he won’t care that it might hurt the child emotionally. I feel hopeless. Depressed. Isolated. Because my pregnancy hormones pushed him away so I feel that way more.

Please stop sharing my hormonal pregnancy with your friends. Please try to talk to me. Help me. Please stop making me a bad woman. I know you said you won’t help me emotionally. Okay. Sure. Please stop using my pregnancy story to bond with your friends.

He already said that he will not give me any emotional support. But he will raise the kid. He calls me emotionally unstable. So cannot be with me. And again. He doesn’t believe in pregnancy hormones. He pushes him self further further away from me. Made himself more busy. He now works seven days a week. He made me more isolated. Sad. Depressed. He is not willing to invest any time with me or this pregnancy.

He won’t give me emotional support. But He will take the baby and raise it. His financial situation now honestly He cannot do that. He pays his bills barely.

He said I did not support his business,dreams and hopes. Having kids was his one of dreams. I thought. I was wrong. He doesn’t care now once I am pregnant. I don’t care if I have another kid or not. I am 41. I want to enjoy my life too. But I did it for him. And I have been doing it all alone so far. And I cannot do it anymore. I feel isolated. Lonely. He doesn’t see that. He just thinks. He already told me he would not help me out while I am pregnant. I have to keep this pregnancy (alone) and when the baby is born. He will raise it. This is very emotionally hurt. I do not think he will be a good father to the child who cannot even support me emotionally. He treats me like an oven who just carries his baby. I am a human being. My negative emotions is affecting the baby. But he doesn’t understand that. I know I cannot get any help from him. 9/3/2020. I really actually went to the abortion clinic. The day before he declared that we were not together anymore. Now I am all alone for this pregnant. He said to me If I wanted to have an abortion. Go ahead. Or give the child to him when it is born. I said. No. I will need your love and emotional support otherwise I cannot go through this all alone again. Well he said no and left. I called him all night until next morning. He ignored me. I was driving. And really did not want to go to the abortion clinic but I can see that he will not help me out. And everything he told me what he would do was lie. I got there and I started to cry for 30 minutes. And finally I called my ex husband and he answered and listened to me while he was ignoring me. Anyway... I went to the clinic. Pay for the ultra sound $273. it was about to happen but I could not. I left the clinic and reschedule.

I was so mad at him that I have to go through this. I was naive. He said he would treat me like a queen and he really wanted to have a kid with me. But actually this is what was happening. And that night I was bleeding a lot alone. Feel bad I will loose this baby. But the baby is okay so far.

The arrangement right now with him is this. I am just his surrogate mom. That’s it. Don’t expect any support from him. Emotionally. Financially. But when baby comes he will raise it alone. He could barely pays his bills and debts. Just survive month to month. I don’t know if this is another game for him. Another lie.

I understand he is stressed out with his business. And he needs to work longer. And me. I need more emotionally support and attention so it is really bad time for us. We just blame each other. He said he cannot focus on his business and I do not support his hopes/dreams. Again he doesn’t support me financially or emotionally now. I buy my food. I pay the hospital money by myself.

Having kids was his dreams not mine. I do it for him. But this is how I get treated.

He doesn’t care what I am eating. How is the baby doing. Even though I was telling him I was super dizzy. After my first trimester( after two month of morning sickness) I actually passed out one time. But he did not care. Busy doing his business. So I wrote my own diet and bought those food. He is a trainer by the way. He writes a diet for people. But he really cares about his fighters or his female heavy lifter. He said they are paying. Carrying baby is free for him. He thinks any women can do it without complications and complaining. I am just too dramatic.

He used to do stuff with me. And Sunday was our day off. But since my pregnancy and especially now. I am very hormonal. He works longer. 7 days a week to avoid me as much as possible. And keep saying is all I do is work. Hurts me. But he has time to make his body every morning with his friends (again this is his business) and can move around his schedule if he wants extra Jujitus training or helping his friends out. But do not have time for us. And all he said. Come to the gym (where he works ) so I can see his face. That is how we spends our quality time.

He thinks I am crazy and emotionally unstable. Well this was not problem when I was not pregnant. Yes. I need more love and attention now. I throw a soda can at the gym while no one was there because I was angry being all alone. Also he kept breaking his rules. His rules. Not from me. Rule1: we do not train with opposite sex. There will be always someone if he train females. But now that rule is broken. And he yells at me. Situation is changing. Oh shoot. What if he doesn’t take care of the baby. And said the same excuse. All he says is to me he is busy. But he made free time for extra Jujitus training. When I asked him for quality time. Seriously. He was mad. That he doesn’t have time. Busy. Busy. I am so needy to him now. All he does is work. But he can arrange his time if he wants. Again baby making is not an important business to him.

He thinks he is a good guy. Yes he is nice to other people. Say all my private things ( my scars) to his friends. I don’t know even get a chance to know them. But they know me more than I know them. They know me with my dark past and secrets. This sucks. And made me so mad. I am now a horrible and psycho person.

Yes. I throw a soda can. I did. Everything was boiling up inside me. He said mother fucker. Almost wanted to call a cop and restrain order on me. Since then. He did not want to do this shit anymore. Just asking me for the baby so he will raise it. Can I really trust him. All the rules and promised was broken to made.

I am so mad now and isolated and lonely. Should I really get an abortion? What is the best for all of us.

I know I was not supportive either. I was barely survive. Through the morning sickness alone. And now alone and just my crazy pregnancy hormones are my friend.

What should I do?

Please help. You can even say mean things to me. Maybe it is me. I am so needy now. After writing all this. I think he really doesn’t care about me (just like he said) even this baby.