Courtney • Brooklyn 👧🏼 7/1/20 • Baby #2 🤰🏼 due Dec 2022

Being a new mom is hard. My little girl is 10 weeks old. She cries a lot. After checking all of the obvious issues (diaper, food, temp, swaddle/unswaddle, rocking, changing positions) she keeps crying. She’s exclusively formula fed after she refused to latch. I pumped for a while, but that just became too much for me mentally and physically. Is it the formula? Is she in pain? It’s so hard. Doctors don’t know, they just suggest a new formula, which we’re trying. But she projectile vomited today after eating. Poor baby.

I’m a mess. I go back to work next week. However, “back to work” is me working from home. In our 1 bedroom apartment. My husband is taking 6 weeks of paternity leave so he’ll be watching her at home. He helps me out now, but he spends a lot of time playing computer games. He gets overwhelmed by her crying so easily. He’s such a good father, but sometimes I can’t handle him. He just gives up and let’s her cry and I can’t stand it. She obviously needs something. Also, I have to be on the phone a’s going to be really hard.

I have had multiple days of just breaking down. I cry. I love my daughter so much. She is perfect. But I don’t feel as connected to her as I should. Sometimes I don’t want anything to do with her. And I hate myself for feeling that way. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted. But I get so sad. She’s overwhelming.

My husband tries to be supportive when I explain to him my feelings on bad days. But he doesn’t truly understand. He sympathizes for a minute and then is back to needing me to take the baby. Which I do. And then I cry again. Hard.

My husband also can be cruel. Not meaningfully, but he can really hurt my feelings and he does. He has made multiple comments about my weight. I gained a solid 45 pounds during my pregnancy and I’ve only lost about 15-20 since giving birth. I bought new high waisted jeans that I love and wore them for the first time and he looked at me disgusted. He told me he was turned off and that I haven’t even tried to lose weight since giving birth. I AM 2 MONTHS POSTPARTUM. He’s made these comments multiple times. I’ve told him it takes a while to lose baby weight, like a year, but he just scoffs and says I don’t even try. I finally told him to google it because I know I’m right. He did. About 10 minutes later he apologized and says he didn’t know it takes that long.

My husband also refuses to help out at night. I’ve done every night wake/feeding since 2/3 weeks postpartum. The other night she woke at 1am and I was just exhausted, I had only been asleep for an hour. I asked him to help and he just flat out said no. I DO EVERY NIGHT FEEDING. Always. I ask one time and am denied. I just can’t. Anyways, I fed her that night again.

He yells at me for eating junk food. He yells at me for being on my phone all day (even though he games all day). I literally hold our child 3/4 of the day, what else am I supposed to do besides my phone, tv, or reading.

My mom is my only friend that lives near me. Thankfully I talk to her a lot, she adores her granddaughter. I visit her every week (she’s about 30 mins away). But I don’t like to air me dirty laundry to my mom. I don’t want her to think bad of my husband. But I need a friend.

Well, I think that’s all for now. If you actually read this, thank you for being a listening ear. After reading some posts here, I think a therapist would do me wonders. But I have anxiety about that. Which is just another reason to get a therapist. Oh my life.