Dealing with first baby lost

This is my first pregnancy. And sadly it ended in a miscarriage at 10w5d. It happened on the 2nd and every night around the same time when I had to go through it I feel the deepest of sadness. Today my husband and I went on a hike. Normally I would take a different route around the cliff edge cause of a fear of falling. Today I wasnt anxious at all about being near the edge and my husband asked why I seemed a bit more willing. The best I could come up with is well if I fall i will have a broken limb to worry about. And maybe not feel so shitty inside. He knew I wasn't serious or wanted to hurt myself but he understood why I would feel like that. But honestly I hate feeling like this. I feel distant from myself and feel like I lost a part to my soul. When I was misscarrying I knew the every moment I was physically separated from my baby. I felt the tear from my soul as my baby left my body. As much as I want to just forget the whole thing. I want to remember my baby and not act like they had never existed. I just have an angel baby now👼. Learning to coupe with that is so hard. Each day that passes I go through different sets of emotions. I have no appetite yet all I wanna do it eat.(I have an eating disorder) Its weird for me to wanna just snack all the time. In reality I'm eating probably as much as a normal person would in a day. Ive never been an emotional eater....i just need someone outside of my circle to tell me how to deal right now 😔😔