So, my daughter will be a month old in 9 days. I’m a first time mom. There is something I wanted to talk about, that I don’t feel comfortable talking about to others except my husband because he gets it.

I’ve seen many women, even first time mothers, become so in love with their newborn. They post pictures all the time. They love motherhood. Y’all know what I mean. Those women who just seem like they were made to be mothers. It suits them.

Then there is me. A woman who also wanted to be a mother someday, just to find out that I hate the newborn stage even though I swore I knew I would somehow love it. I miss my life before I became a mother. I think to myself every single day how I miss it when my husband and I could just do whatever we wanted and go to sleep whenever we wanted. I constantly think about the past before my daughter. It’s crazy because we tried to conceive for so long.

I do bond with my newborn. I kiss her little cheeks and talk to her sometimes. But I also find myself wishing she would sleep more just so I can get on my phone and play a game or watch a show. I feel like I am not very maternal, so to speak. At least to society’s standards. I just kind of wish I could jump to the part where she’s 4-5 and in school, but also enjoy watching her make friends and just become more of a little human being that can do lots of things for herself or even just have a talk with me.

I don’t have thoughts of harming myself or my daughter. I don’t think I have PPD. I did have baby blues really, really bad the first week she was home. It was fucking awful. I still associate our bedroom with a feeling of dread because it takes forever to get our newborn to go to sleep. I just don’t like being in our bedroom anymore because of that feeling. And I hate that. I just dread nighttime in general cause she’s awful at night but pretty okay during the day.

Look, I just don’t want to hide my feelings. I’m just not one of those women who rejoice in motherhood so much. At least not at this stage. Because I’m just gonna be honest, the newborn stage fucking sucks. I want my sleep back. I want her to be in her own room. I want more time with husband, cause it feels like our marriage has been put on the back burner since our daughter was born 21 days ago. And my husband and I love spending time with each other. We are best friends.

Does anyone else know what I’m saying? Like, you’re just not the picture perfect woman who loves motherhood but does still love their kid? I know people will call me selfish, but I can’t help the way I feel.