i posted this a while ago in a different group, but now i need more advice.

6 months ago, my bf and i were having sex and i gave him a lap dance. he was asking me if i wanted to do stuff “from behind” and i kept saying no. he began to thrust as if to do reverse cowgirl. i gasped. when i jumped up and looked back at him he had his hands in the air and a concerned look on his face. i cried and ran into another room. he ran in still naked and kept apologizing. i made him leave and could hear him crying and throwing up in the bathroom. i decided to wait to break up with him until i was sober (we’d been drinking). the next day, we talked about what had happened, and he said he didn’t hear me. i believe him, because i wasn’t facing him and didn’t say it above a whisper.

since then, we’ve had a lot of conversations about that night. i later found out that he meant eating my ass and not hitting it from behind, which lines up with the context of the situation (too long to explain). he’s also been very understanding and taken steps to make me feel safe during sexual acts - asking before sexual touches and taking sex very slowly. we’ve both discussed it with our separate therapists. he also told me that since i’d told him the night before i wanted him to be more dominant, he thought he didn’t have to ask to switch to a new position, which he normally does.

overall i feel like we’re in a better place, but i wish i would’ve broken up with him at least for a short while. we didn’t see each other for 2 months bc of covid, and we used that time to work on communication, but due to a past experience i wish i’d broken up with him, even for a night, for my own self-respect. now i don’t know what to do, because i’m glad we’re still dating and i love him deeply, but i also feel like i didn’t make the right decision in that moment. he even told me he thinks i should’ve broken up w him based on what i thought. i want a future with him and i don’t want my past trauma to affect any more of my life, but i’m not thinking highly of myself rn.

can anyone help me?

Went to the doctor today..

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