A girl I’ve known for about three months and consider a friend(because I’ve shared some stuff with her that’s kind of personal and she’s done the same) asked me how I was doing and I really wanted to tell her the truth.

I wanted to say that I’m not actually doing good or even okay, because I remembered this memory of my older brother doing something inappropriate to me when I was young but can’t remember much of it because my memory goes black like a ending of a movie and it’s really doing a number on me.

I wish I never fucking remembered this and keep thinking about or rather it keeps popping in my head because growing up I loved my brother very much and still did until a couple months ago when I remembered this memory. Now I don’t know what to think or feel towards my brother.

I always felt more connected to him and closer to him than my older sister(I’m the youngest) and always felt comfortable telling him things or talking about anything with him because we had many things in common.

I always saw him as a good big brother but now I don’t know how to think.

I wonder if he ever did anything else to me that could of possibly been worse and my brain is just blocking it out. I also wonder if this is why I really don’t like being touched or am not a Physical affectionate person and don’t really like it when other people are like that with me.

I also question every time he’s ever been affectionate with me(like hugs, holding my hand, rubbing my head, rubbing my cheek(s))if those were all something else. It grosses me out to think about that but I just don’t know!

He’s always been a loving person and has always loved kids and even has two of his own but I can’t help but wonder about if he’s a pedo or not. It’s never seemed like that but if my memory is true, then there’s a possible chance right?

I remember a time when he was a teenager maybe?(hes 10 years older than me and I barely remember my childhood so things are iffy) but I remember him being away and surprising me by coming home like twice then calling from somewhere and was done by a pay phone(I believe). But when I asked either my mom or dad, they said he never went off anywhere so that confuses me. Because he ended up going to a community college so I don’t think he would have gone and like seen other college campuses because my mom and dad were still at home and it seemed like months went by until he came back home. But that’s a whole other thing.

This is just eating me up inside because I don’t want to think it’s a real memory and maybe is just a fucked up false memory but I know most women can be or are sexually assaulted by a family member...

While typing this out I had a break done and just sobbed because even though I’m not super close with my brother like we were when I was younger, I don’t know how I’m going to live with this memory. And I don’t even want to share it with my mom because I have no idea how she’s even gonna react. She loves my brother so much that I really don’t know how she’s react to hearing that her oldest(possibly?) did something inappropriate to his baby sister.

I’m not even handling it well! If I really think about it I always end up crying because it frustrating how much I’m putting everything into question now.

But yeah. That’s why I want to be honest with a friend but think all of that is much too personal and will definitely not be sharing it and just simply say I’m doing fine.