Trigger warning; Loss & stillbirth

Hi everyone.. so backstory, I was due in February with my husband & I’s baby girl, her name was Nova Kennedy. We got our anatomy scan done and they told us that she possibly had a cleft lip/palate. So we drove to a specialist to get a 3D scan and we were told that they thought she had Trisomy 13, and she was very deformed in her face and her brain was abnormally small.. we had to decide if we should be so selfish & keep her, or if we should evaluate her quality of life if she were to be born.. We made the choice to deliver her, I was 22 weeks. It’s been 2 weeks since I had her, and I’m struggling so badly. I’ve been pretty much drinking every day since it happened, I regret it so much even though we did it for her. We don’t care what she looked like, we loved her beautiful little face no matter what she looked like or how many surgeries she would have had to go through. But it’s so hard... I miss feeling her strong kicks & having to get up 20 times at night to go pee 💔😓 if we didn’t have our 3 year old son, this would not be bearable in any way. I want my daughter back 😭 I’m so sorry for the rant, I just need to get it out and possibly have a mental health check 😅💔