I wish I could call it what it is. I wish I could explain what happend. I wish I could tell my mom how awful it was. Instead I am here in silence.

I told you I only wanted to be friends. I told you I was not the fling type. I told you I wanted to wait for sex until marriage. I told you it all as straight forward as I could be.

And you said all the right things to make me believe you were trustable. I will never see a man in uniform the same. Instead you will haunt me.

I don't know how it happened so fast nor does it matter. Me getting too intoxicated is not an excuse for you to make a move. You knew exactly what I did not want.

When you watched me throw up were you turned on? When you carried me to bed were you turned on? When you got me dressed were you turned on? When I was too sick to open my eyes were you turned on? When I layed there motionless were you turned on? When I kept saying I don't know were you turned on?

What the hell is wrong with you? And that is not even the part that bothers me the most. It's me. Why do I feel so at fault? Why do I feel so ashamed? Why do I feel so judged? Why can't I just say the word? Why? Because I said yes. One little word. And suddenly 'it is just regret'. I am so confused. I am so angry. I am so sick of feeling embarrassed.

I hate that I can't say the word.