(long but worth it please read) So I've been in such a dark hole for a while and I hid it so well from my friends but I can't seem to get out like I was all happy until me and my boyfriend for a year plus broke up and I just fell so hard into this depressed state and we broke in February. After we broke up I was sad for a while and I constantly tried to win my ex back until one day I blocked him bc I figured out he was cheating on me while we were in a relationship but I mean ik he cheated and I kept going back but this time I find out he cheated with someone he told me not to worry about and it broke me so I blocked him, so I pretty much kept throwing myself at boys to see if that would make me happy but it never did it just ended up making me fall for my boy bestfriend and my toxicity ruined it and I've been in this depressed state of mind. Everytime I get happy or at least I think I'm making progress I get set back. I was happy with how I was making money and spoiling myself and than my grandfather died, than I started talking to my boy bestfriend and that just ended badly, next thing I know I'm living life with my bestfriend and just having fun well as much fun as we can have in a pandemic and my grandma died and than me and my bestfriend got into an argument which lasted for a while now we are talking again. Just every night I just don't understand what's my purpose on this world and I cant talk to anyone about it because all my friends or family see me as this giddy, happy, and always smiling girl I can't just become this dark girl no one would understand. I just miss my old life back with my ex and I was thriving but now I've been in this whole forever and I don't know what to do to get out and now I just keep losing friends bc I'm isolating myself and I hate myself for doing it but I can't help it. The more days go by I hate myself for losing all my friends, I hate how over quarantine I gained weight but I have no motivation to work out and I just hate my toxic family, I hate my life overall the only thing that makes me happy is my bestfriend and she doesn't even know how much she means to me bc she is the reason I'm still alive. I wouldn't say this is my cry for help but can someone give me advice on how I can fix my mental state. Please!