Posting anonymously because I’m just needing a moment to hide in my own skin kind of. So please help me.

Back in November 2008 I was sexually assaulted and it resulted in a pregnancy that I decided to keep. My son was born early and came with a few complications that resolved after spending time in the nicu. At that time my husband and I were not together because we both moved away from home for our senior year of high school when it happened.

We got back together when we moved back. My pregnancy I hid mostly because I didn’t want to deal with everything. I just needed to push the situation as far back in my mind as I could just to heal. It also helped that I didn’t show for the entire pregnancy.

My mom when I eventually told her made my life hell. Everything she did ultimately just made me shut down even more. I kept the gender of the baby I was having a complete secret even I didn’t know. I couldn’t connect at that point and there was so much I just don’t feel like I could do.

My husband and I broke up because he felt a bit overwhelmed which I suspected and understood. So I left to another state and when I was due to return home I went into preterm labor that the doctors couldn’t stop. I gave birth to a beautiful boy. Not really knowing how I would do any of this because I was 18 a few weeks away from my 19th birthday and I had no family support except my grandma and I just kept moving forward slowly.

Fast forward to know 2020 he turned 11 and I’m 30 and married with 3 other kids and 1 more coming. My husband has been there since the beginning and we didn’t imagine being here after we broke up and I moved away and then came back. Last night we had an intense talk much like we always do and we both are unsure of how or when or even if we should tell our son.

My kid is a complete reflection of me thank god he looks like me and acts like me. I’m just so scared to tell him and honestly that’s a tough conversation to have because ever so often I relive it and I cannot mentally process when that happens I just feel like I’m suffocating and I’m scared.

We are moving back home for a year to be closer to my family and I’m cautious about my surroundings because I never pressed charges and he got to live his life while I suffered in mine. I also have resentment for my younger brother who actually was friends with him even knowing what he knows. The guy introduced him to drugs and other crap and it’s a whole mess. Scamming and other things too. My mom and sisters got on him about it after I finally had a talk with my mom about how I felt and the reason why she hasn’t seen my kids in 8 years and she only met my daughters once when I made a sneak trip home years ago.

I’m thinking 15-16 would maybe be ok to sit our kid down to talk about everything. But I honestly don’t know if I can handle it but I will try. Idk what to do and the more I stress about it the more I cannot help but cry and mentally suffer.

** my family and some of his knows that my husband isn’t his father we just acknowledge that he is because he’s been there since I moved in with him since our son was 2 months old. I’m going to have the harsh convo with my family about protecting my son because if they ever told him I’d probably be on an episode of snapped. Lol I’m just nervous because we know at some point it may come up