Before you read, please do not feel offended or take this personally this is just the views of one woman trying to get something off her chest.

As a kid, I know I wanted kids, but when I was an 8th grader and I was already raising 2 children that weren’t mine to begin with. I ended up raising my little sister until she was 8 years old and my little brother until he was 3 years old because my parents wouldn’t keep it together for their kids (their separation was hard on me and I protected and raised those kids up until 4 years ago). They’ve been through homelessness, couch surfing, begging for money, wondering where our next meal was going to come from, etc. WITH ME! For awhile they’ve called me their mother and still do by accident sometimes. That’s all I’ve ever known during those high school years, and I had to grow up fast for these two babies. It’s been 5 years now and they’re with my parents and I have a fiancé that they already see their brother.

Here’s the issue, I can’t see myself getting pregnant or feel ready to be pregnant. Bless my fiancé and his soul because he is so patient and understanding with me. I’ve only known babies are just around, and the fact of becoming pregnant scares me. The telling of the parents, the belly growing, the giving birth naturally and c-section, everything about it scares me especially the hospital part.

I feel like there’s something wrong with me about this. One second I’m feeling ready, but the next I’m on edge to take my birth control on time and making sure we have enough condoms and spermicide. I’m so scared, wtf is wrong with me? I don’t feel like a woman sometimes because of this.