Vent. Torn

I am in hell!!!! My husband is a good person but not a good husband. Our 6th wedding anniversary is Friday. Im so sick of his shit. I am a sahm. He shames me whenever he can for it like im a bum or gold digger as he puts it. Always comments about how I don't work so i cant tell him anything about anything bc I dont contribute to the home financially.. Even though I told him I wanted to stay home with the kids for their first yr prior to even getting married and he agreed. I have a 12yro, 2yr old, and a 4mo old and he has the nerve to want another. Anyway. Today I discovered he purchased a new gadget for 1400. Its a "smart" kitchen appliance. He didn't mention it to me and I didn't find out until I saw the package and looked it up. His first time doing this was a yr ago. He bought something for 1k, another smart kitchen appliance. All while telling me i need to get a job bc he needs help with bills. But always buys frivolous things. The week the first appliance was delivered, our lights got cut off bc he was behind. I had no clue bc he doesn't include me and he's always buying stuff. Like weekly. 100 here, 300 here, 150 there on nonsense. Any time I ask for anything he says we have to wait, cant afford it etc so I never ask then he gets mad bc I dont ask for things and he says I should be able to ask for things I want 😒. I finally stopped bitching about the smaller spending even though its not small but when he did the 1k thing I flipped bc its a major purchase. He Said he wouldn't do it again. Here we are a yr later and hes done it again. 1400 when we need other things. He didn't even have shame this time when I mentioned my displeasure. He actually laughed and He said im not helping him bring money in so basically he can do what he wants. I started working overnight to avoid daycare costs and that was hard. I was so tired I couldn't really watch my other little. Where we lived,, daycare for his age was STARTING at 1600/mo so it really made no sense for me to work just to pay someone but i did it to shut him up and he still bitched it wasnt enough. Plus i was also pregnant. I had to go on leave to have my baby and we moved from Hawaii to mainland so it was a big transition and I haven't been working since. He also said he didn't want my 12yr old to go to school during this pandemic so I also home school her. He has so much resentment towards me not working as if im at home for fun and always uses it against me in an argument. Im ready to leave. Right now im packing for me and my kids to be gone by the time he gets off tomorrow and im feeling like shit. Looking at the Christmas tree and knowing they will miss the experience is bothering me. Im tryna tell myself to stay but also telling myself to just go I cant wait til after Christmas, I need to go now but im so soft I take his shit and just internalize it. Im miserable all the time. I want a divorce. This may not seem divorce worthy but its yeeeeears of this and MUCH MUCH more and im breaking. I dont even know why im writing this. I just feel lost and conflicted.