Im in love with a married man !!!

I’ve been hiding this for a very long time, 3 years to be exact, but i need to vent somewhere or i will end up hurting myself.

I’ve been a very depressive person lately. I fell in love with a married man.

He was my classmate from high school and we have known each other for almost 15 years, we have been best friends, since he got married I used to meet him very less but he would always insist on making plans. I kept my distance, but I don’t know somehow we both fell in love, I’m not going on details on how we fell in love cause it already happened. I tried my best to get out of this relationship but he is so good at convincing me how much he loves me and never once let me go.. after a year and a half of relationship I seriously thought this thing through and when he traveled i saw my chance to break things off with him and move on with my life. But the moment i did he flied back home.

The next attempt was during quarantine. I already broke up with him but he would come and stand outside my home for even 24 hours and I’m literally not exaggerating. He’d sit in his car all day sending me texts calling crying and shit and he’d tell me he is getting a divorce soon and I should give him a chance etc and that he wants to marry me and wants a future with me, and he tells me how he doesn’t love his wife anymore and everyone have the right to be with the person they love etc.

He literally ends up convincing me all the time but I don’t see him taking any stand for our marriage or his divorce.

Honestly my motive isn’t even his divorce, i just wanna move on and be happy in my life and not be stuck with a person for whom I’m the 2nd choice.

I feel bad for his wife too.

Sometimes i feel I have been manipulated into this relationship. I feel so helpless. I tried to hurt myself so bad but every time i pray to God to give me patience and show me the right path, and i think about my parents, they already lost my brother, they will literally go crazy if they lose me. And that’s how i stop myself from doing anything worse.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want judgmental comments Im already suffering a lot.

If nobody can help then I’d suggest you move on to next post.

I just needed to vent as I’m going crazy crying every night to sleep for 2 fucking years!!!