Breakup rant

Me venting about my breakup (from my POV his is way different)

We had been on the rocks already and giving the relationship one last go.

I was working on a lot of my “”flaws”” (some were just petty things but there were valid complaints on his side) and really trying to make him happier in the relationship but I will say I’m needy like a lot of women can be. The downfall is with my neediness comes some mental issues that cause me to doubt actually asking for things and doing them. It’s something I’m not proud of and was discussed a few times and I feel that all my suggestions on how to help me with it were ignored or only tried once before getting thrown to the wind.

So we had been in my mind doing alright and honestly it just felt like kinks we had to work on.

I have always been willing to accept what I do wrong but I’m a very stubborn girl and was raised by very stubborn women and apologizing doesn’t come easy at all. I explained this to him and that my actions need to show more than me just talking but he always wanted me to apologize when it really felt like a toad in my throat when I tried. I wanted to show him I was sorry not have to say it.

When I did apologize it felt like he didn’t understand how big it was for me to do. I’m not great at being a bigger person especially verbally and it’s a big flaw of mine.

My biggest flaw is my voice I am LOUD and I mean who’s holding the siren horn loud. I could usually control screaming but I haven’t gotten to a point where raising my voice is no longer an issue. I often don’t realize how loud I am and I asked for help on it. I asked him to not tell back and to be really calm with me and let me know I’m yelling. When he actually listened to that I found myself able to come up to him after the fact and apologize. I couldn’t always stop in the moment but I could recognize it after and that’s a huge step for me.

I want to be less loud but I have gotten a hell of a way from where I was before. I just have further to go but he didn’t understand it wouldn’t happen overnight and with even me venting becoming to much for him I eventually had to hold in TO much and I started yelling and i explained this to him too yet he still told me to keep it in after telling me I could vent. When I wasn’t venting it would be okay to vent “”later”” but start venting and it’s “”to much””

It was just a downward spiral and I was really hoping to fix it.

It all came to a head a few days ago. The man I called my fiancé, who’s term of endearment for months was hubby and my love. The person I uprooted everything for decided to kick me out in the worst way possible.

I was like a lot of mornings having a hard time getting out of bed and I was definitely being snippy over it and I did ask him to wake me up but honestly knowing what I do now I wish he would of just let me sleep and I could be at home still.

I ended up snapping when he put my alarm (which is already made for heavy sleepers) on full blast I asked him to turn it off and when he wouldn’t I lost it and yelled at him to turn it off.

Super uncool of me that’s the kinda shit I’m working on though because that’s just how my anger manifest and he has always been awear of that (for god sake the dating website me and him met on I was calling myself lovelyyetcrazy) because I know I have a kind heart I’m just also a bit of a mental nut job (chronic ptsd, bipolar, depression, etc etc ect) and I always made that as clear as a clean window.

After yelling over the alarm he lost it in me and started to call the mental ward. I had wrote a (scuicide note a few days ago I was having a rough time but after I realized how dark I was feeling I went to him in confidence and talked to him about it so that he knew hey I’m not gonna kill myself but like I’m not okay)

Well he calls the ward telling them I wrote a note, I was going to kill myself, I was dangerous, etc ect ect then also calls the police and they are being told they need more than one officer and that I would physically attack them?!?!? What the actual Lordy fuck?! I was literally yelling to him “can you maybe let them know I’m not planning on fucking killing myself” and honestly I was frantic and asking him to stop because I’m afraid of police

( in my court case against my childhood abuser a cop was very cold and even told me to scoot closer to the motherfucker so I’m just not a fan of the uniform I know they aren’t all bad but like the salt is in the wound)

I told him I would leave I asked him if it was because I just turned 18 and if I just wasn’t attractive to him anymore I asked why he would do all that over me getting mad at an alarm.

He claims I abused him the only time I ever remember pushing him was when he was standing above me a bit to close I was scared and preemptively pushed him in case he was thinking of anything but like that wasn’t right of me to do at all. He claims I broke his tooth but I was there when he broke it on a hard ass piece of candy!! Also I know body size dosent matter when it comes to strength but like just visualize this for a moment:

6’ something and about 360 lbs 32

Calling the cops on his 4’11” girlfriend who wheighs 180 lbs and telling trainer professionals that they need backup for her?!

(Me and him were together “”illegally”” for a while (8 months) so seriously he was gonna cause us BOTH trouble because I JUST turned 18 *the relationship sexually and everything was consensual but legally he was pushing his own buttons by calling and it wouldn’t of been my choice at that point on what they decided to do*)

If that isn’t some funny fucking shit I don’t know what is. Quite frankly I’m not strong enough to hurt him especially knocking half a tooth out. I can barely do half a push-up and most of my bones are pretty weak (my legs are the only strong thing I got 🤣 can thank years of pissed off bike-rides for that)

So I had to call my family and leave I asked him to just knock it off and give me 30 days but he said even if I was able to “”convince”” the police I wasn’t gonna kill myself he would still call every day until they took me. He claims I had a choice but my choice was gtfo or possibly get institutionalized.

So now I’m at moms, my ex before him and me maybe getting a apartment together. Both of us agree that it’s only for the sake of our financial situation and I had kept in touch with him after the breakup to stay friends (I never hid that fact because he and me watched shows together and damnit we had games for me to finish kicking his ass in 😂 I kept my friend/ex on speaker unless he was venting about something personal to him like his family but even then I would give hubby the jist of it.) I believe every relationship started and ended for a reason and if you keep the friendship going because it started good that’s awesome just always remind yourself how it ended and why that’s my rule. I am being accused of something I would never do which is cheating on him. He posted a video on Instagram of how “”awful”” I am saying all the things he couldn’t do with me around and half of it was bs the other half just kinda sounded like “” oh my god how dare your wife be loving 😩 the horror!””

I’m young but damnit I’m not dumb and I really think he was just toying with me I mean who in the hell goes from asking to elope to calling the mental hospital. Someone who’s trying to trap the other and is angry that they can’t because I made it clear I won’t get married until I can have my black gothic wedding dress with all the gems I want inlaid in it!! 😂 my whole wedding could be in hick town my hick ville population crazies and I would still be happy if I get the dress I want and that isn’t unreasonable in my opinion!

Sorry this was long but yea essentially I turned 18 he left me and before he left me he tried to trap me into marriage : D

Please keep in mind these are all the complaints he told me that were about me I didn’t go into why I was hurt and what he’s done to hurt me. He would constantly get angry at me for the smallest things (forgetting to rinse a dish out cause him to rant at me for a few hours, If he wanted to do something and assumed I would get mad at it he wouldn’t do it and I begged him to do the things he wanted but he would turn around and blame me as to why he couldn’t. He didn’t have a job and I do so I didn’t expect a thorough clean every day but like if I am tired after work and you got to sit on your ass playing video games and watching tv, maybe don’t get mad when i get home and try to get him in the mood after I already was at work for a while and just left a pair of pants on the ground, just pickup the pants asshole! Or atleast don’t yell at me for hours about it.)