Let me preface this by saying my husband is a social butterfly and if I’m being honest he has had a hard time transitioning into parenthood and being home more often even though our oldest is almost six. We have three children 5, 4 and 16 months.

In the beginning of our parenting journey he would complain so much about anything to do with parenting (diaper changes, being woken up by a crying baby at night) that I without realizing it just did everything alone. I subconsciously picked up the slack parenting wise so he could still go out with his friends and I wouldn’t have to hear him bitch. He never woke up at night with any of the babies and he hasn’t changed a diaper for our youngest child who is 16 months old, ever.

He works full time and I’m a SAHM due to the high cost of day care for three children in our area. Because he works, he uses it as an excuse to be able to do what he wants when he’s off and that’s almost never coming home and spending quality time with me and the kids. His friend owns a hobby garage for vehicle projects and he spends almost all the free time he has there. Recently the time has increased to every single day after work and all day Saturday and Sunday. He was even gone all thanksgiving day this last year.

We have fought about it a few times and his stance has always been he works to make the money, he gets very few free hours to do what he wants so when he has them he’s going to spend them doing things he wants.

The sad reality is that I don’t fight with him about it anymore because the house is a lot more peaceful when he’s not here. The only time he’s nice is when he comes home from doing his own thing. Because of this I was just happier to let him do whatever he wants so I don’t have to deal with the arguing or him moping around the house because he didn’t get his way which is always what happens. He’s gone so frequently that our children have very little bond with him. He’s never spent more than 3 hours alone with them their whole lives. They don’t like going to run quick errands alone with him, they will cry and say they want to come back to me. Not because she treats them poorly, they just don’t know him very well. They don’t ask for him when he’s gone. My youngest has absolutely no attachment to him at all and doesn’t even like him holding her.

My dad who lives across the country recently came to visit (everyone is covid negative) to help me out with the kids and spend some time with them. I haven’t seen him in two years. My mom died when I was 17 so he’s my only parent and we’re very close despite the distance. My husband of course pulled the same stuff while my dad was here, not helping with the kids or house, spending all of his time away doing his own thing but still expecting his dinner, laundry and work lunches to be made.

He came home at 10pm one night, I hadn’t seen him since 6am when he left for work. My dad noticed the pattern and let him have it. He told him he was a shitty dad and a shitty husband and if he continues the way he’s going he will have no family left because I’ll leave and take sole custody of our children since they barely know him and he’ll be responsible for child support and alimony. He told my husband it wouldn’t be a big change for me or the kids because we’re already used to being on our own. My husband claimed that his friends had been telling him the same thing but he’s doing it to fix up trucks for money for the family (which is crap, any money he makes, which is at most $500 for WEEKS OF WORK, is spent on himself. It’s in no way for the greater good of our family.) and he’s not staying away because he wants to. My dad told him he needed to shape up and stop acting like a teenager and told him he should have never moved us across the country away from our support system for his job if this was his intention.

My dad then had to go home the next day.

Since that conversation a few days ago my husband has been coming home everyday after work but all he does is sit on the couch on his phone, makes it known he’s mad that he has to be here, waits for his dinner to be handed to him, doesn’t interact with the kids or me and then goes to bed at 630pm without helping me with the kids bedtime or anything and his reasoning for that is that there is “nothing else going on”. I called him on the attitude and lack of help and he told me there’s nothing wrong with him and I’m just looking for a fight.

I’m now slowly saving up the rest of the money to leave because I’m so done with the ups and downs of this marriage. I should have the full amount I need by March because thankfully I’ve been secretly putting money away every month for two years in the event of this happening. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated right now.