In 2016 I was diagnosed with PCOS... this was discovered through unsuccessfully TTC! My then husband was not supportive at all and left me to deal with it!

I needed to be strong for me and so I sought help and have dealt with the reality that trying to have a baby will be very difficult.

I started to make changes that I could but for me the weight would just not move... I literally tried everything and found I was trying to starve myself as I thought no food would equal weight loss... well of course we know that isn’t the case, not healthily anyways!

I felt I was running out of options and made the decision to seek medical help! This came in the form of a gastric band, researched it all and went private in 2018 going back on the pill! Since then I have lost 5 stone and have been extremely proud of the changes I have made to my health.

I split from my husband in 2019 but managed to keep my shit together... just! Stress stopped the weight coming off but none ever went back on!

2020 was a difficult year for most but for me early in 2020 I managed to find myself again and in the midst of that I found a truly wonderful man... he’s my biggest motivator and supporter all in one and I can say I’ve never been happier...

He wants a family like I do and these discussions have started to happen recently. This has brought me elements of joy and after thoroughly talking this through we decided I should come off my pill and see how my body reacts being 5stone lighter than before!

I have been off it for 3 weeks I have stopped smoking and just find myself sabotaging a lot of work I have put in 😔😔 skipping workouts and making terrible food choices...

I personally think it’s a way of blaming my choices rather than my body if I’m unable conceive, mentally I’d be at fault for something I can control and for some unknown reason I think this a coping mechanism rather than it being just that my body doesn’t work as it should...

Am I losing the plot??

Thank you for taking the time to read this essay I have left here... I appreciate it a lot, being able to just have a little expression in a safe zone is such a help ❤️

Please feel free to offer up any advice if you think it could help...

Even if it is to just tell me to pull it together 😘

Take care everyone

N x