And frustrated.

I met my husband at 17, he pretty much trapped me into marriage. lol I wish I was joking. But, it’s a long story and I’m also at fault. We recklessly got pregnant at 20. We got married because I knew he was good and I knew I wanted my daughter to have her parents. I loved him, but at the same time theres apart of me that isn’t madly attracted to him. I’m attracted. Just not madly so. Does that make sense? I think we lack chemistry, but have a lot of genuine love. This leads tho, to me feeling empty. Especially when he doesn’t put effort into the relationship. Which in the past 5 years he’s stopped pursuing me. Which makes sense, I’m his wife, but I feel you should never stop dating your significant other. He’s stopped buying me birthday presents, or Christmas presents, or even giving me a card or flowers. He’s never been one to plan out a date. He’s just not romantic. And gets offended when I try to tell him that. But he does love me. I know that. I think he’s just not good at the social aspect. My oldest daughter got diagnosed with mild autism, which is making me take a closer look at family, and I started to suspect my husband has it. I’ve always had to instruct him on how to be in a relationship. I didn’t mind when we were young, because I didn’t think I’d still be teaching him 10 years later.

I don’t want to leave him. I want my kids to have their parents. I love my house and dog. I don’t want anything to change. I feel selfish being bothered by his possible autism but I wish I had known when we first started this and chose it for myself. Like I knew he was going to be bald because his whole family is bald, so he had beautiful curly hair that I loooooved but once I met his family I realized and I CHOSE that that wouldn’t bother me anymore. I wish I had knowingly chosen to be in a relationship with someone who is going to struggle for the rest of their life with social skills and that that was going to affect our relationship in every layer. I wish I could be madly and passionately in love with him but it’s more like being with my best friend.

I have expressed that I him to pursue me a little more. I’ve told him how my heart is fickle sometimes and I am struggling. I don’t think he gets it. I don’t know how else to make him understand. And I feel so alone.

Please don’t roast me. The autism itself doesn’t bother me, just my unpreparedness for it does.