I'll try to keep it short. Basically my bf and I have been dating for almost 3 years, and it's been rocky for a huge part of it (almost 2 years of it). We are 21 and 22.

It's been rocky because for a long time he was toxic and abusive and I was a pushover who thought everything was my fault. To be fair he's done lots of things that I recently (after learning toxic he was and how NOT toxic I was) was going to break up with him over, but we had lots of talks and I'm willing to give him a chance to change, especially since ik I played a part in it by not setting boundaries correctly and also by not being great at communicating myself.

My problem now is I'm always thinking about breaking up and whether I should do it or not, or if I'd be making a huge mistake if I did. He is changing a bit, and I do love him, but there are some things I'm stuck on, like our sex life and his respect for me.

Here's a list of problems...

- basically used me for sex for a year (yeah...for a year he wanted sex/sexual favors every single day even if I was exhausted. Got to a point where I'd give handjobs with my eyes closed cuz I was so tired..talk about selfish...our sex life sucks go figure) he didn't care about how tired I was or if I had other things going on like work and also didn't seem to care if I even wanted to do it. Only gave in because he wouldn't stop asking.

- to add to above, he'd pressure me for sex a lot. Like the only reason I gave handjobs was because first he wanted sex, I'd say no, then it became a blowjob, I'd say no, then handjob with my shirt off, I'd say no, then he'd "settle" for just a handjob. Literally he couldn't just use his own two hands and let me sleep so that maybe I was in the mood for once.

- this also came with a lot of guilt because I felt like something was wrong with me. Like "where is my sex drive? Am I attracted to him? Is it my depression? I'm such a horrible gf"

- one time he told me immediately after sex (like still getting dressed after) that he wasn't attracted to me. He failed to elaborate much and I was shattered. He told me we can talk about it in 2 weeks once his exams were done, leaving me to mull it over every day for 2 weeks. Turns out it was my "attitude" that was unattractive. I explained how emotions work when I'm not being treated nicely and we talked it out but clearly I'm still scarred. I realize it was awful of him to do to me.

- the pressure. Ugh I swear it's the biggest turn off. Even now a year later I can't get over it. He will ask and ask and I'll say no for whatever reason and he just keeps trying to convince me like I'm supposed to just give in. It's not even just sex. When I say no to partying because of hw he keeps trying to pressure/convince me like oh we'll cut you off at 2 drinks, or oh you don't have to drink, or it'll only be a little bit, it's just down the street, or just use it as a study break, or even why don't you want to socialize. And then after I hold firm after all of that, he'll go, ok, I respect your decision because you have exams coming up. Like yeah but also dude you could just respect me the first few times I say no even if I don't have exams.

- a couple days ago I woke up and I hadn't even opened my eyes yet before he was already asking for a blowjob. Turned me off instantly, and yet I felt bad because he's always asking and I'm always wishy washy. He hadn't gotten one in a few days, but dang can I wake up first?

- he'll go to touch my boobs sometimes and sometimes when I pull away or nicely say no, he'll go it's ok just one kiss, or it's ok I'll be gentle, like no I said no now I really don't want you to do it, like why are you arguing with me as if saying that will make me want to do it?

We don't have sex rn because I am not on bc anymore (I'll start again soon), and because I also seriously need to recover from this sex issue, I feel terrible and thus will give blowjobs/handjobs every few days because I want him to be taken care of, but I still feel so bad that I just don't want sex even though I've been so badly hurt.

To clarify we did have sex often while he was "using" me, it wasn't like I deprived him. I just started to not be the mood when I was so stressed and exhausted all the time from being kept up all night (he pressured me to stay up late with him even if I was tired, had an early day the next day). He also was controlling and toxic in other ways and we just never could solve them. I feel like all of that and more has contributed to me not being in the mood. I've always brought this stuff up many times so he's not clueless on the issue, he claims to be working on it but idk...it seems his selfishness takes over with sex.

I want to break up with him but I also don't. I'm afraid of making a big mistake (soulmate wise) and he's also awesome at other times, he's also tried really hard to be more supportive and change for the better. I'm just nervous that he won't stop with this disrespecting my boundaries or that I won't get over it or both. It's the biggest problem in my opinion besides him not taking me seriously (which I'm also recovering from since I realized last semester how little he was supporting me, as in blaming my failed classes on laziness instead of the severe anxiety/PTSD/depression that caused it). He's changed a bit with that, time will tell for sure, but idk ig I'm struggling between the letting go of the good or remembering the bad.

I don't want to live my life not liking our sex, and I also don't want to make him fight for it everyday either, he doesn't deserve that. I'm hoping I'll recover soon and that he'll change, and then maybe I won't need to worry about that. But I'm left wondering if I'll ever love him like I used to.

Any advice? Yeah ik it's probably a crazy story and even just reading it myself I'd vote to break up, but with the emotions and stuff it's hard for me and I'd like some neutral opinions. Thanks!

Edit: I just remembered that today he was horny and I wasn't feeling it so he kept asking and asking like he always does, and he ended up asking for either a handjob or to hump me? I said no again. We were giving each other massages for back pain, and when it was my turn after he was done he started slowly humping me from behind. He stopped when I said I didn't like it but I ended up letting him continue because I felt bad. It's worth noting that he had been asking for literally a half hour at this point. Even got naked to try to entice me more or something. I just feel gross that he doesn't respect me. Like he literally said he'd massage me after I gave him a handjob, like bruh that wasn't the agreement. Why does he need it that bad that he can't just listen to me when I say no? And humping of all things? I told him before that I didn't like it because it is weird to me to hump someone, clearly he didn't take that seriously. To each their own but if I say I didnt like it then why do I have to endure it still?