six months. i was clean for over six. months. 203 days exactly, but i’m too tired to do the math. then came fucking valentine’s day. last year my date canceled and my grandma died. this year, my date canceled and i got a half hour lecture from my parents that i’m a burden to everyone, especially my boyfriend who according to them hates and is ashamed of me. that he hides me because i’m not good enough. i tried to talk to my bf about it because i was upset and overthinking and he made it about him. then i realized that my parents have done this with all of my past friends. told me they hated me and that i’m just a burden. i don’t even have friends anymore. for a whole week i was depressed and overthinking and my bf only texted me one message every day. when i tried to have a conversation i just got left on delivered. the whole week was DL because of the weather so i couldn’t even see him. another lecture about how i’m useless and i relapsed. barely broke the skin but it happened nonetheless. then school started up and i realized that not a single person even attempted to speak to me. every class i ended up at a table of strangers where i was too afraid to even look up. my bf didn’t even say hi until i came up to him yesterday. and i got stuck at work for half an hour because my parents forgot about me and went to sleep. i texted my bf about it and that i feel forgettable and he just said “no, if anyone is forgettable it’s me”. i told him that he has friends, people care that he’s around, people talk to him and he has a place around others. “not in elementary, and i rarely talk to anyone outside of school”

neither fucking did i! but i still don’t and i’m starting to believe i never will. and i text him every single day. i try to call and hang out as much as possible. but i guess my parents were right. i’m not enough. and i’ll always be a burden.

three days clean and it’s getting harder to keep that streak.