Been with the guy for 5 years.

(He moved in with me pretty early in the relationship)

I was 19 (24 now) when I first was with him and he is my very first relationship that I consider counts since my other previous bf was freshman year of high school that lasted 2 weeks at most.

However as time went on I realized that I'm not as into him as I thought I was and I realized this around the 3 year mark of our relationship.

At first I was quite confident in myself. Now I'm gonna assume how open you are with your partner varies from relationship to relationship.

With me I felt as though I can openly say that my younger self had crushes on celebrities and I remember we were watching a movie and I had told him that I used to have a crush on the guy who was on the screen and he got upset with me. So being on my first relationship I didn't really know how they worked and I honestly though it was something okay to say but to him it wasn't.

From then on even if I make harmless remarks about someone on screen, for example the guy had nice thick eyebrows he said something along the lines that I wasn't supposed to take notice or like anything about anyone else other than him.

Now at this point even with me having no prior experience what's so ever about relationship I thought this was weird because we're all human. it's nearly impossible to not take notice of features and attributes that someone may find appealing but also just because you see some eye candy doesn't mean you don't like your own partner but to him this was a no across all boards.

In my head I would be questioning him like well he's had past gf before so that means he found them attractive. so then that means he felt attracted to others besides me. So it would get me thinking that he thinks he's this perfect person who doesn't look at other females. He would tell me "I never look at any girls" I never believed it but never said anything.

Now I understand that obviously looking at someone you find appealing can be hurtful to your partner. This is when things started spiraling for me. I have checked out guys in front of him and I know it's wrong and I know I put him in a place that made him feel insecure but the way he took it out on me was really harsh.

He would call me a hoe for doing it. I'd wake up to long ass paragraphs in the morning about him calling me a hoe and how he's much better and just really putting me down.

I would constantly apologize but no matter it was always a constant thing being brought up to the point I never wanted to go anywhere with him because no matter where I looked he looked to see what I was looking at and if he thought I was looking at someone else he'd call me a hoe on the spot like I could be peering into stores or just taking in the atmosphere around me because it was someplace new he'd constantly assume I was looking at someone.

So at this point I wasn't as confident like I just felt my spirit got shot down. I felt miserable. Yet here I am still with him.

Jumping forward some time I had enough and broke down cause of all my pent up feelings and thoughts.

I don't remember much but I remember telling him that I thought he was projecting onto me. He'd constantly assume I was cheating so I was like well maybe you're the one doing shady shit and that's why you feel like I'm doing that too.

And oh my gosh I remember that the silence that followed after I knew I had struck something. I don't remember how much further in time this was but one night he had gotten drunk and passed out. I took that opportunity and grabbed his thumb and unlocked his phone. I know i shouldn't have done it but I did.

Founds lots of naked pictures and messages. I wasn't surprised honestly I was just angry and what angered me more is that he had sent a video to some girl of him naked and she had sent him like 3 or 4 videos of herself as well.

When I confronted him he said he's doing it for his friends just to get pictures and then I asked about the video of him and the girl and he came at me with she's dying and she asked for it so I just did it. After that I just felt so much anger and jealousy.

For a short period of time I had turned into him with my constant asking if he loved me and who he's texting.

Went through his phone a second time still found some messages and confronted him again and he swore up and down he didn't know who I was taking about, so I asked him to unlock his phone but he didn't.

After that, that's when I just stopped. I stopped feeling jealous I stopped saying I love him I stopped asking if he loves me and I just stopped being affectionate with him.

Now brings me to September of last year I broke it off with him. He drank everyday, he had asked me if i could sell his shoes and pretty much he had nowhere to go. He has no car no job throughout our whole relationship (mind blowing I know, even more mind blowing that I actually just went along with this) he's literally been living off of me for years.

His mom lives in a different state but she didn't offer him to live with him cause of her husband. I had asked her why not and she would just tell me she can't tell me through the phone.

Anyways I felt pushed into a corner because he's depressed and she had begged me to let him stay with me.

Well months later he's still here. I never said that I wanted to continue the relationship but I guess we are? I can still get along with him but I just don't want to kiss him or be intimate in any kind of way which is hard because he constantly tries to.

I just feel weak because I can't tell him straight up that I just genuinely don't want this relationship. Back in September he thought it's because I met someone else which wasn't the case at all but I already knew I wouldn't be changing his mind.

And then what just put me further into a hole today is that he brought up old issues and false memories. He had asked me to get more condoms from the clinic I went to a couple years back. Problem is I have never gone into a clinic to ask for condoms but he was so adamant that I did. I knew exactly what condoms he was talking about but he was remembering wrong. He was the one that brought the condoms when he first moved in, he said his friend gave them to him because his gf got on the pill. but me knowing the type of person he is I didn't say his friend gave them to him because I knew he would just flip it around and say I'm thinking of someone else.

Which is exactly what he did.

He never believed me when I said he took my virginity and he brought it up again years later.

There's more to this but for the sake of not making this way longer I'll just stop.

I just don't know how I became this person that just accepts this. I'm not comfortable with defending myself, I'm not comfortable letting him know what I feel. I feel bad cause he doesn't have a place to go. I just feel stuck. I know I hold love for him but it's not the same as it once was and I feel like I won't ever get out and just end up feeling sad and resentful. I'm scared to tell him how I feel because I don't know how he'll react back in September I felt uneasy in my own home because of him.hes never hurt me before but I can't ever truly feel at peace with him. I just feel like I'm in a deep hole.