*Be warned, this will probably be very long.

I never get to share this with anyone as a full story so I guess anonymously on the internet will have to do. For all my life as long as I can remember I have never ever wanted children. My closest family agrees with me kinda. They still think that theres a small chance I’ll want them someday. I could not be more certain to not have kids. I have a few reasons why.

For one, I don’t even like children. I feel that as a female feeling this way is way too taboo. Its not like I’m abusive to children its just that I don’t really like being around them. Especially babies because they are extremely annoying. They whine, cry, vomit and smell. Not interested thank you. Literally, not interested in being around them or having my own. Toddlers are the next ones that are annoying because they usually are high energy and never sit down. Also not a fan, thanks.

I have also had to deal with being bullied and made fun of in school. For example when I was in junior high it was a turning point for my sanity. I pretty much lost my mind and got really aggressive and didn’t give a shit about anyone or anything. I was tired of being made fun of for not rolling up my skirt so that my ass almost hangs out. I was sick of being called out in front of everyone that I was the only one with huge boobs at the time. I even got bullied by my own principal because she did not like the fact that I have depression and struggled with suicide.

I was always an outcast. I had some friends in high school but did not hang out with most of them after hours. I was ok with being a loner, I preferred to be at home with my cat and game on the computer. I never got into what the other kids in my school were doing because I was just not interested. With high school came the rounds of bad boyfriends as well. Mentally and physically abusive which in turn made me really abusive to one of my ex boyfriends at the time. I now regret the mean things I did to him. Once I was finally out of high school which i hated deeply, I had some flings with random guys that didn’t end well. Very dumb of me to say the least, I thought I was just going to be alone for the rest of my life because I couldn’t find someone with the same goals as I had. That was until I met my wonderful fiancé. He is my world and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him. We met in an online game and have been together for over 3 years. Though he lives on the other side of the world and we haven’t seen each other for 2 years. We are desperate to get married and every passing month gets harder and harder as I wait for a visa to be issued to him. We have discussed over and over what we want for a future and it does not involve having kids. I’m glad he feels the same way and I hopefully will be able to get sterilized soon before we get married. We do not want to deal with an oops.

I think at this point my life is going ok, I just live day to day and sadly rely on my fiancé for my happiness. If I didn’t have him in my life I know I would yet again contemplate suicide. My childhood was not very happy so I feel that ties into me not wanting children because I was so unhappy with my life. I still am pretty unstable without medication and therapy so I think having a child on top of all of my issues would just create a bigger problem.

I feel that me having children would be a terrible idea because I feel that it would ruin my life rather than bring happiness. I would also not be a good parent as I mentioned because of all of my issues. I’ve struggled and struggled with a reason to live life and not let depression consume me. I have now decided recently that I need to spend the rest of my life making sure I take care of my mental health and being the best version of me for my future husband.