😩 just a much needed rant πŸ˜”

Well I tap out.... I have been losing weight for myself but also for my husband. I don't see any spark when he looks at my body now (been like this for a bit) 😭😭😭 we are ttc but I'm putting the breaks on for now. It breaks my heart because I may not be able to have anymore on my own after around the age 30 I'm 27 and we want 2 more, due to polyps that continue to get worse in my uterus and the scar tissue they are leaving (along with something to do with my eggs). It was like this before (the "no spark" aka doesn't get turned on by me). He's been on testosterone for 2 years now and still doesn't care to remember to take it at times, even though it hurts me when he can't stay up. Even when he gets his medication, this still happens. Put on porn, boom πŸ’₯ he's up.

I'm ugly, I already know this but damnit it isn't something I can change in a blink of an eye ,and our 1st kid wrecked my body like a Mac truck yall. I get I should lose all the weight before trying to conceive but 3 different doctors recommend that we try now. I feel ugly, low, and overall just so shitty. I have wanted to bawl all day but I'm just stuck in this no talking zone where I say the minimum and I'm done. I'm depressed and I haven't been in a while. I thought if I made the bedroom interesting then he would feel the heat again but nope... He is my soul mate, I love him with my whole heart,, and I will never ever leave him, but to never have good sex where I connect on a deep level with someone again? Torture 😭 I've overcome so much in my life just to end up with these issues... 😭😭😭. I know I can leave but we are just too great together in so many other ways. I feel self conscious and gross whenever he can't be turned on by me at all and even though this may be a little of testosterone, it tends to happen even when his levels are normal..

Such a stupid, and probably confusing rant but I needed it out somewhere and Facebook just doesn't work... too personal and I know too manyπŸ˜ͺ I hope I can get through this and come out stronger πŸ’” I am greatful I have him and couldn't imagine life without so please don't think I'm ungrateful πŸ˜” I have voiced my words a little to him as well.