I hadn’t read his response until I heard someone incessantly ringing my doorbell and my kids said it was daddy.

At this point, I’m not sure if counseling is actually going to help. He went on a rant about me telling him all this should’ve and could’ve and how he wants to try but it’s the being reminded of all the sh*t he’s done that messes him up. Telling me how he’s been bouncing from house to house and seeing how couples are and finally agreed that he doesn’t communicate with me.

I told him it’s not just the lack of communication and how I know he knows right from wrong, even without a couple modeling interactions for him. He’s able to turn it off and on at will. Doesn’t treat others the same as he treats me. Two Easter breaks ago was the first time he pulled a gun and sat beside me with it. I brought up that when the doorbell rang that day, he made sure to put the gun away. I block out the majority of things that have happened and recently remembered one incident because I posted anonymously on glow. I wasn’t able to verbalize that. I wasn’t able to actually verbalize any details of anything and just generalized it as various abuses. Yet, it’s him being reminded of all the bad sh*t he’s done. Over the weekend, I noticed that my kids are blocking things out as well. One of my sons used a word as a joke towards his brother. I immediately went to the day that word was used and told him not to use it. My older son asked where he’d got it and the younger told him from him. My youngest had been called a wuss by my husband and I had expressed myself. But my husband didn’t see the problem and tried to defend it and my oldest son got involved and talked about his weight. My husband then wanted me to say something to my oldest for talking to him like that. Of course I didn’t and he tried to “play wrestle” him. I stood by at the ready in case he grew serious.

Lately, I haven’t been able to just overlook and pretend that nothing happened and I’m guessing that’s what he meant. After something, I’d wait and try to see if there’s any remorse, outside of him trying to buy dinner or a bouquet. During this time apart, he’s repeatedly told me that it sounds like I’m just mad about money. Yet, over the weekend he text and said that he’s going to go into more debt because he has to buy a car and lease a place.

I wanted him to get actual help. I wanted him to change. There’s still a part of me that wants that. After so many years of altered realities, I think I’m being naive in partially wanting that. Part of me is like good riddance.

My post is not to play victim or be labeled as a horrible mother for staying in my home. I find that if I don’t write it down, more than likely, I’ll try to block it out.