My birth story... I guess

I’m a FTM my due date was March 16th but my baby wasn’t ready to come out. We scheduled my IOL a week after my due date on 3/23/21. As a perfectly healthy young mother to be I was very excited going into my induction. I should also add that I’m in the medical field and work in high risk obstetrics. Going into my induction I felt very prepared, excited and anxious to finally meet our little boy! When we checked into the hospital the morning of the 23rd the nurse took us into the labor room, got us all set up and settled in and took all my vitals. She pointed out the my blood pressure was high and thought it could just be nerves, she wanted to recheck it shortly. She never did. I was in the hospital for over 24 hours before my baby was delivered via emergency c-section. Turns out I had undiagnosed pre-eclampsia and it escalated very quickly. With every contract I had my baby’s heart rate would drop. He wasn’t reacting well to the labor. (This is also a sign of pre-eclampsia, that the doctors missed). I had an epidural that did not work, I felt everything and no one could figure out why it wasn’t working! Now by the second time his heart rate dropped I was ready to have a c-section, being in the field I know this can happen and I just wanted him out safely. I started to prepare my husband and texted my family to let them know we were fine but my labor wasn’t progressing. After 24 hours I was still only 3 centimeters dilated and now the baby’s heart rate had dropped already 3 times. I told the doctors I was done. If it happened again i wanted the c-section, I just wanted him out safely at this point. The fourth time his heart rate dropped from a normal heart rate of 155 down to 86, very flow. Doctors and nurses swarmed the room, pulled every wire out of the wall and rushed us in for an emergency cesarean. At this point I was more then ready. I didn’t care how he came to be in this world I just need him here already! I had an oxygen mask on and was focusing on my breathing to try and raise the baby’s heart rate. I was nervous because I knew it was to low and it had been that low for over 6 minutes. The doctors worked as fast as they could to get him out but without a working epidural I still felt everything and they couldn’t start right away. The last thing I remember was someone going to check my epidural and then shooting radiating pain threw my whole body. My legs started shaking uncontrollably and then my whole body. I guess next I passed out because I don’t remember anything else. I was told several different stories by doctors, nurses and even my husband and what they thought happen. Apparently what happened next was I either had a seizure or I fell off the operating table (I still don’t know for sure), I was then told that I was conscious, screaming about the pain and tried to leave the operating room. We were then told it took several men to hold me down. I’m 5’2 and at 41 weeks pregnant only 150 lbs (pre pregnancy weight 94 lbs). My husband story was they gave him scrubs to change into and told he would be brought into the room, in the time it took him to change, they called rapid response, he said hundreds of people came running down the hall and entered our room. They then wouldn’t let him in or tell him what was going on. More doctors kept showing up and even the head of the hospital came up to him in a black suit and ask the doctor to tell him what’s had happened. At this point he thought the worst, that one or both of us had died. He was then asked several odd questions about if I worked out? Did I do gymnastics or yoga? Did I have a history of anxiety? Ridiculous questions that only further confused my poor husband. Finally he was told that the baby was born and he was fine, then he saw him being rushed out and taken to the nicu. He was told he wasn’t aloud to follow the baby but had to stay with me. He was also told I had some kind of episode and no one was sure exactly what happened. I still don’t know exactly what happened to us. The only thing all the doctors and nurses could agree on is that “in all their years of practicing medicine they’ve never seen anything like this”. I was drugged so much it took me hours to regain consciousness. I didn’t wake up until late that night and my husband was there to tell me the baby was fine but in the nicu. I immediately wanted to see him and was told I couldn’t. Due to medication they had me on the doctor confined me to a bed for over 24 hours. My baby was born I missed his entire birth and I wasn’t able to see him for over 24 hours. I was devastated, confused and ultimately angry. I wanted to see my son, and I wanted answers. We ended up spending 6 days total in the hospital. I was finally diagnosed with pre- eclampsia. My son was perfectly healthy thank god! He was only taken to the nicu as a precaution due to the general anesthesia they gave me. To end my long story, majority of our hospital stay was to try and lower my blood pressure and control the pre- eclampsia. Which because it went undiagnosed for so long I am convinced it turned into eclampsia and almost killed us. Looking back in the 24 hours before I had my emergency c-section, I now realize I had every single symptom of pre-eclampsia. I had high blood pressure. I had excessive weight gain in my pregnancy, I had headaches and blurred vision, I had vomited that morning before my son was born and my baby’s heart rate kept dropped. All textbooks signs of pre-eclampsia. I of course at the time did not realize any of this as I had an epidural that didn’t work, I was in agonizing pain and having contractions every 30 second to 2 minutes. I thought I was doing great and was dealing with the pain. The last month of my pregnancy my swelling became very excessive. My hands feet and face were blown up like balloons. We did mention this to my OB several time. I asked about my blood pressure and urine to make sure they were checked each week and was always told they were normal. I was concerned my swelling was due to pre-eclampsia but told no every-time. I had no reason to argue or not believe my doctor at the time. I am aware that in rare cases you can have pre-eclampsia or even eclampsia with out high blood pressure or protein in your urine. So maybe this was the case for me. However I know the morning of my induction the nurse pointed out my blood pressure was high and then she forgot about it and never checked it again. I’m convinced I spent 24 hours in the hospital while my pre-eclampsia worsened and turned into eclampsia and all the doctors and nurses missed every sign and symptom. Ultimately we are both now perfectly healthy and fine, to which I am eternally thankful. I do however feel saddened that I missed out on my own birthing experience.

Something that I dreamt about for a very long time. I feel as though I lost out of the change to bond with my son. I wanted to be the first face he saw coming into this world, instead he spends over 24 hours in the nicu and I wasn’t able to see him at all. I feel in some ways that I failed him and wasn’t there for him. I picture him being all alone and abandoned and afraid. I am extremely grateful that we are both home now and completely healthy, but no one understands the sadness, anger and resentment I have when I think about my labor and delivery. I just need to get it all out and in writing this hopefully I can let go of the anger and move on. My son is 18 days old today, he is amazing in every way and regardless of how he came to be in this world I am beyond happy he is finally here!