What is the role of an aunt?

Question

I don’t have any I’m close to so I don’t have any precedent set. Also my sister is whacky and not really a part of my kids’ lives. My SIL/BIL just had their first baby so now I’m an aunt. I want to be a big part of her life and our kids to be super close. But I’m so nervous to cross any boundaries because my sister in law gets offended easily and I don’t have her totally figured out so I’m extremely quiet when we go over her house because I’m afraid of offending her or overstepping in some way. She’s like “I don’t need opinions/advice!” But then she will ask me for advice and I’m scared to give it to her if my opinion ends up being different than hers. Or I’ll give her advice and she will be like “well I already know” and I’m like ok then why’d you ask if your mind is already made up 🥴 I feel like I’m being quizzed to see if I answer correctly. 
So I guess the purpose of this post is:
-what role does an aunt play?
-how do I go about handling what I’ve described about feeling like I’m walking on eggshells? I feel sooooo timid like a dog with its tail between its legs when I’m over there so I barely talk

Answer

The role of an aunt is to be as involved as the parents want you to be. So I would leave that up to them to decide and in the meantime, try to talk to her. Just tell her how much you can’t wait for your kids to have a new cousin and tell her what your hopes for them are. Try not to figure her out, and just try to be kind and understanding. I would also refrain from giving any advice unless specifically asked for. Refrain from unsolicited advice, and refrain from giving advice when she’s just venting about a situation. In those types of conversations, she just wants you to listen and commiserate, she doesn’t want you to figure anything out for her. And if she’s the type of person who asks for advice, but won’t take the advice or says gets weird about it or whatever… Still refrain from giving her actual advice and just tell her something like you know she’ll make the right choice, or help her think through her options to make her own decision rather than giving her actual advice.

Answer

Thats between you two. You both need to sit down and hash that out. Usually the aunt is the helper role when you want to help. It is not a necessity for you to care for her kids.24/7.or even half that amount of time. 
Seriously, if shes easily offended id personally just sit her down and hash it out and tell her I dont want to offend you I just want to know how I can help and be invovled because I love you guys. Of she is offended by that then 😐 idk what to tell you. Lol

Answer

Yikes. Sounds like my SIL. Honestly when she asks questions now I say, “you’ll figure it out Mom!” Or “that’s a great question to ask your pediatrician at your next visit”. I’ve only stepped in once bc she’s a complete idiot about something medical (and she’s a bloody doctor - pharmacist but still went to bed school). So I stepped in for the sake of the child’s welfare. Otherwise, I let it be. 
Right now I bake with the kids and do crafts. I don’t answer any of her questions anymore. In infancy we didn’t help them at all bc she had severe post partum anxiety she wouldn’t talk to her OB about, so we only visited once a month and never once held her daughter. Only held her son 3 times in 1 year. We’re also the good parents to the kids, so yeah. It’s a tough relationship. 
In the end we won’t be close, but it is what it is. Sounds like you’ll need to set some boundaries with her. Get the baby a present, cuddle baby if they let you, offer to bring over some food and let mom rest, and if she’s demanding and mean... just move on and let her husband help her.

Answer

My role has never just been the aunt. It’s always been more like the mom. My sister had pretty severe postpartum depression and didn’t really bond with her children when they were little and now that they are getting older, she’s trying but she’s missed out on good opportunities to start over with them for her own selfish reasons. She’s always crying about how no one respects her decisions for her kids and honestly I would if they were smart. Sometimes I look at her like 😱🥴😳😩😑😡. Now that I’m a mom to my own children, I’ve taken a huge step back because I want her to be the parent. If she asks me questions, I try to be encouraging and tell her that she’s the mom and she will figure it out and things like that. It’s hard to want to be involved when parents make it difficult.

Answer

No advice on the aunty thing but I have a friend who asks for advice then gets offended if I give it. i find the best thing is to just say something encouraging like 'itll all work out' or just empathise with the situation like  'wow that is really annoying tell me more' but dont offer a solution. She seems happier with those reactions rather than actual advice. I think insecure people want reassurance of their actions but feel that youre putting yourself above them if you give advice (even though they asked for it). Took me ages to figure that out lmao!

Answer

My roll as an aunt is very.... Parent like. Lol. I’m like a second mom to my nieces and nephews. And it’s the same with my sister and my kids. A little more laid back then the parent role of course but I honestly treat them like my kids. My sister is older than me so she tends to give a lot of advice or I go to her for help but I don’t have a lot of advice to give her since her kids are all older than mine. So don’t really have an issue there. My SIL is the same. She doesn’t have kids of her own but with my kids shes fun but she also knows she can tell my kids what’s up if they’re doing something she knows I wouldn’t let them do. I truly believe it takes a village so for me and my family we’re not into all that I don’t need your advice or don’t tell my kid what to do type stuff. Even if it’s advice we don’t want/need we just smile say okay and go on about our day.

Answer

My sister in law is like that. I really don’t have a huge relationship with her but her kids are my world! I love being an aunty. I don’t offer advice or opinions but I make sure her kids know I’m there for them - I love them and they can call me any time they need me. If they need a ride or someone to talk to. I’m there! I usually try to do a one on one activity with each of them not super often but every once in awhile. Sometimes I call them up and we just go to the park or I take them swimming. Sometimes we all go together. They can have sleepovers at my house any weekend they want to. Things like that. It’s not always easy walking on my sister in laws eggshells but I make sure the kids know I love them.

Answer

I love being a aunt , we bring my niece over and spend time with her while she plays with our son, I get her gifts here and there and spoil her like she's my own

What is the role of an aunt?

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