Long story!

I’m 24 with 3 kids. I’m married. When i was 20/21 , i was with a “man” who ruined me (as in cheated on me three times and lied to me multiple times). After we broke up, a month later i found out he was already engaged to some other woman. I was a virgin still! But that heartbreak honestly had be go through a “hoe” phase. I lost my virginity to a one night stand 😞. I had one night stands a lot with different people. And then i got pregnant with one of them. I’m from a Hispanic family and he is too so my family as well as he felt that i NEEDED to be with him because we would be having a child together. I didn’t want to but i stayed. After i had my first kid i was just tired of being in a relationship with him. I hadn’t wanted to be with him in the first place. I tried multiple times to end it but he wouldn’t listen. I found out he had been messaging other women . But i stayed quiet 🤷🏻‍♀️ i honestly don’t know why. I got pregnant again and it was a surprise as well. I had made sure i was on bc pills. I had never wanted kids and now i was having #2. He proposed and we got married although deep down i knew i didn’t want to but i guess i felt obligated. At the beginning of 2020, i found out he was still messaging other women and those women knew he hazle kids and a “wife”. I was so done then! I had made an appointment to go to a lawyer to get a divorce. He started to beg. My family and his family talked me into “forgetting” about it. “Men are men” i don’t know if i continued to stay because i was afraid of being alone? I have no idea. I tried to get my ob to get my tubes tied but he said i was still young and would regret it so he didn’t do it. I didn’t even think of going to another doctor. So on my appointment to get my nexplanon, i found out i was pregnant with #3. I was devastated. Through the whole pregnancy i was hoping I’d miscarry (i know I’m sorry. I feel terrible about it). I feel like I’m suffocating with the kids and him. He keeps wanting to have sex but i don’t find it enjoyable! But he always gets his way. He won’t stop begging or touching . At this point, i just want to disappear. I want to pack my own things and leave on my own to another state and start over . I feel like i didn’t get to enjoy my years cause i got pregnant and had to stay with him. Hell, if i wouldn’t be mad if i died at this point. As long as i get to start over. I need help? I need ideas. I want to be free again 💔. And yes i feel like shit to even feel like wanting to be without responsibilities but i can’t help feeling like that.