I was invited to a baby shower today for one of mine and my husband’s friends. Honestly, I didn’t think I would be so jealous just hearing the words “baby shower”.

It’s been 6 months since our miscarriage. It’s been 13 months of trying at our clinic. Multiple failed IUIs, starting our next round in May. Handfuls of fucking vitamins. Drugs that make you feel on the verge of a mental breakdown. Timed intercourse that makes you feel sad rather than turned on.

I should be 37 weeks today. I should be the one having a baby shower. Instead, I’m STILL trying to conceive and make it stay. I feel almost ashamed, if that’s the right word, to have these feelings of jealousy and anger, over a fucking baby shower invite.

I have no one close to me that understands infertility and the heartbreak that comes with it. I’m exhausted. I’m sick of wishing my body would just do it naturally. And there’s some moments where I feel like I’m just not meant to be someone’s mother.

Ugh, sorry for the rant. I needed to write these feelings down somewhere before I explode from shoving them down for so long. 🥲

Does anyone else ever feel this way? Like, why does a simple baby shower invite just throw me over the edge, deep into my thoughts?

Fuck infertility, honestly.