I have come to terms that after 15 long years of trying which included but not limited to:

5 surgeries

multiple hysterectomies

10 endometrial biopsies

over 200 blood draws

too many to count invasive ultrasounds

over 500 injections

10 egg retrievals

6 embryo transfers

over 200 trips/over 10,000 miles to Boston

I think my time of hoping, believing and praying to be a traditional mom are over. I don’t know if I can handle the pain that I feel after each failed attempt anymore.

I am also hitting some “badiversaries” as I call them. Where many of my childhood traumas happened, sexually assaulted at 15 years older while in school and then again at 31 years old while I was at work. Between that time I was in two extremely abusive relationships which both nearly killed me. I was in the hospital including ICU due to the severity of abuse.

Then getting covid twice and needing a ventilator for 21 days. Then to find out that I got covid related nerve damage in both of my arms and upper back/neck.

I know and am proud of myself for my strength, fight and courage to make it through but even the strong feel like they can not continue to have pain and constantly relive.

I need a breather and feel like I am incapable to even get out of bed.