And it’s not because I can’t conceive, or I’ve had my tubes tied or a miscarriage — but because I chose not to be a mother.

I had my abortion when I was 17 turning 18. I realized I was pregnant out of nowhere and the next thing I know my mom was convincing me to get an abortion. Hindsight, I know the decision saved my life and allowed me to advance myself financially, but the aching feeling that comes around Mother’s Day is horrible.

Seeing people post their mothers, mothers posting their children’s gifts. Just going in the baby isle at the store or seeing a baby makes me sad. I know I did what I had to do but I just can’t forgive myself for some reason.

The feeling is indescribable. I always wonder what they would’ve looked like, what they would’ve liked, what they would’ve did...what gender it would’ve been.

I’m 21 now and it’s in the past but I’m actually sitting here crying as I type this. Mother’s Day is so hard.