Lost sexual attraction (long) skip if you want..

-read last part if you don’t want the long drama-

I’ve been with my boyfriend for now 4 years (our anniversary week) and this year and the end of last year wasn’t good at all.

-We are long distance-

Cheating in November 2020: he started purchasing cam girls and basically doing what we would do on the phone (10 girls?). He said I wasn’t doing it with him and porn wasn’t as good as doing it live. I was so sad he chose to do what we did with other people but I stayed.

2021 beginning of the year: he starts doing it again but he said that I said yes to it this time? I dropped it again but I said I WILL break up with you the next time you lie to my face (he kept making up white lies/lies) I would break up with him. And he told me he’d change and make things better..

2nd time 2021: I catfish him..? I made an account on sc and ig as a “milf” in his area, he wanted money and wanted to become a sugar baby, I said ok...? As long as he doesn’t hide anything or do anything with these women or meet them.. (I knew it wasn’t gonna work for him) I ended up pretending to be a sugar mama milf.. and he fell for it.. it was kinda comedic how he fell for such an obvious lie.. he even asked if it was me, he knew it was me, but I guess he couldn’t let her go just in case it wasn’t me maybe (or I’m just a Grammys worthy actor) he admitted before hand that he was going to “her”. I said tell me when you message her and what you say when you do. Blah blah him and “her” end up exchanging vids and stuff on sc and messaging her when I’m not around. I told him to not call her, but he ends up trying to speak to her.. he eventually tries to go see if it’s all real and he said he’d meet her by his old school, but he told me he was gonna go out for a work out, he doesn’t meet her but “she” insists she’s real.. he ends up telling her I have a gf I don’t wanna do this blah blah.. Then this happened..

So I basically asked him if he felt like he got into a relationship to early (we got together at 17) he was denying it at first but the truth comes out the next day. He said yes, I said let’s leave each other then. (I knew he wanted to be with this girl) after we “split” he’s gone full phub on her. He’s sending video after video, saying he wants to meet have sex etc.. mind you he told me I couldn’t get with anyone, he said he didn’t want me to fall for someone else and he still wants to stay logged into all my socials.. it started to sink in and I fell apart, I was crying couldn’t take it, I called him and said I wanted him.. he takes me back and says he regrets everything messages her and said he’s done for good this time. I was a reck but the wound healed but the scar still hurts.. ( I told him it was me after he felt like a dumbass)

3rd time 2021: he does it again with the cam girls.. I break up with him.. he’s begs me to stay, he doesn’t want anybody else with me he says “you said we’d be together forever why did you lie” I told him I was done, wasn’t gonna live my life like this I was done feeling like this.. I guess he saw me as serious this time he sweared up and down he’d change no more lies or no more anything.. sorry ladies I took him back after a few days..

As of now he hasn’t done anything.. I told there won’t be a next time. He understands. He has watched porn behind my back and lied about it (he can watch porn as long as he tells me) he says I don’t do it with him and I now have currently no sexual attraction to him. I did it with once and I felt pissed off about it after because I did it. I don’t feel like I wanna give him ANYTHING. I don’t wanna dress sexy, I don’t want him to look at my body etc. I’m highly triggered over anything that involves a girl (music, videos, voice, cartoon characters (tf?) tiktok)- I’m overly insecure now more than I’ve ever been in my life. I want to get over and move past this anger, I hate seeing guys go crazy for a girl it pisses me off and makes me think of him and what he might think. I wanna cry because I don’t feel pretty. I think I don’t have her boobs, I don’t look like her, everyone would like her body better, her face is prettier, her voice is cuter, I’m tearing down ANYTHING about myself it sucks..