Little Finn I now have PTSD *traumatic delivery and postpartum*

Born 5 days before due date 7lb 9 oz 20 was 1/2 in, on 5/16/21 @ 6:11pm after being induced which was traumatizing. I had medication (cervidil & cytotech) that didn’t work then foley balloon, that only brought me to 4 cm, then Pitocin which brought me to 6cm. I then had his amniotic sac artificially broken which put me into severe contractions instantly. I used my safe word to get an epidural they had to try 6 times to get it placed properly it took an hour and a half to finally get it. After that I was 9 1/2 cm dilated in 2 1/2 hrs my “nurse midwife” had me do one good push and instantly 10cm and he was already coming. 15 min labor and delivery. Great right? So quick have to admit I was happy about that. After she put him on me and delayed clamping for all of 5 min my DH cut the cord and I held him for the first time. After 2 min of holding him my Nurse midwife puts her hand up in me and rips the placenta out not allowing me to push it out myself after that I never saw her again and I was left after being cleaned up. I had no guidance on how to care for my son to care for myself postpartum nothing. After my DH and I got cleaned up ate etc we went to the postpartum ward and spent time together with our bundle when all hell broke loose. I started having severe chest pain which I thought was my hiatal hernia acting up like usual. I was given morphine, fentanyl, dilaudid, and one other medication to get rid of the pain because it was the worst thing I ever felt even worse than contractions. Was taken to get a CT scan which they told me after I wouldn’t be able to breast feed for 24 hrs and I strictly wanted to breast feed I hadn’t even gotten the chance to feed him fully yet. I felt like I was already failing. To make matters worse I then had an ultrasound and x-ray to find out I have severe gallbladder issues and gallstones and I needed surgery. Next day I was getting the surgery and the same person who did my epidural was doing my anesthesia which terrified me because they were not nice the first time and kept yelling at me and ignoring my pain. Fast forward I get to OR didn’t get to count down or told anything not even that they administered the medication I just remember everything going black. An hour and a half later I was wheeled back to OR recovery overhearing while waking up and being told I was dead/almost dead on the operating table and they had to use multiple techniques to resuscitate me. I was blamed and berated by the anesthesiologist being told I didn’t tell them I had an upper respiratory infection which I didn’t I was a smoker and thought it was smokers cough/wheezing which it wasn’t it is chronic uncontrolled asthma found out later which the wheezing was in my chart and there was negligence on their part for pushing the surgery without waiting for the wheezing to go away which would have been a disqualification for surgery. I’m 24 with a newborn married to the only person I’ve ever dated and have been with for 10 years I’m a smoker (4-5yrs) or now ex smoker and I almost left this earth due to bronchial spasming 24 hours after having my son due to the practitioner and anesthesiologist ignoring my symptoms and signs that would disqualify me. The sad part I joked about it until I got home. I was pushing my son and husband away and not feeling present I felt/feel very disassociated with the present it’s a weird feeling I felt this way for 3 days and still do now to an extent like I’m not really here but here it all seems like a dream. After, I got home is when it hit me that I almost lost everything I love without even knowing it and I’ve had issues sleeping because I think I’m not going to wake up and that the last few days have all been a dream. But there is my story I have PTSD from a rushed unorganized delivery from my midwife who told me I was crazy and almost dying 24 hours after bringing my beautiful son into the world. It’s gotten better I still struggle and I know I will for a while but I will get through it and both my son and my husband are helping me heal.