I lost my baby :(

... sensitive post...

👼🏻🌈❤️

So this is a really hard post for me...

On the 14th May myself and my husband discovered we was expecting again! 🌈

This was are second pregnancy this year and are hopes was high that we would have a little baby to join are family,

we talked about names,

we talked about gender,

we talked about all are hopes and dreams we had for you

We talked about how you was going to be so loved

and most importantly how wanted you was..

Instantly I feel in love, in love with this little dot, I didn’t mind that I was feeling like rubbish as I knew it meant you was growing...

I looked at your big brother and thought “ wow he’s going to be amazing with you”

Placing my hand on my tummy I felt so much love and joy for you, I hoped I would be the mummy you would want and I spoke to you daily, talking to you about my day, talking to you about your family and your extended family and how we are all sooooo exciting to meet you, we spoke about are plans for when you arrived, and all the amazing things we would do together.

My love grew and grew and suddenly you became one of the biggest parts of my life. I was so excited you was mine..

On the morning of the 25th I started cramping... fear flew over me... I went to the bathroom and I knew... you had gone... my heart sunk.

Fear began to cripple me, what can I do? how can I save you? was this me? Was I not good enough to be your mummy? Is this my fault?

The biggest question WHY

Over the next couple of days I watched you disappear from my life.. my heart was breaking, I wanted you so much. I wanted to back.

Trying to grieve for you when I was just expected to be “OK” was hard.. trying to still be the mum my other children needed when I was breaking inside was even harder.

After you had gone - my love for you didn’t. I think about you every day..

everyone keeps telling me

“ it’s one of those things”

“ it’s really common”

“ try again”

“ thankful you already have children”

These words cut into me like a knife... all I want is you back... I want all my hopes and dreams for you back.. I love you...

All of a sudden people stayed away, scared to ask me if I’m ok, I could see everyone was walking on eggshells around me, worst of all people stopped talking about you.. it was like you had disappeared, like people forgot about you.. but I don’t want to forget you.. you was part of me.. the silence around miscarriage is the worst

Hopefully one day my baby we will meet, and I’ll get to hold you in my arms and tell you how much I wanted you.. how much I loved you... and how I never forgot the joy you gave me, even if it was for a short time...

This is my story... miscarriage isn’t anything to be assumed about.. it’s something that should be talked about... please don’t forget them..

🌈👼🏻

I love you my baby... ❤️🧡💛💛💙❤️💗