I need to vent and I need to talk. I don’t even know where to start this post to be honest. Y’all can read this post or click away because this post is going to be so incredibly long you’re going to think you’re reading the fucking Bible.

So if you want to continue to read please do because I seriously need help. 

I feel like I need to start this post starting at three years ago. Three years ago me and my mom were hitting hard times we compare bills we can pay rent we are on the verge of being homeless so my dad let us move into his house and he moved into his parents house. We lived there for three years and in March of this year it burnt down because we have a wood-burning stove like the 1900s for our heat and that’s how we heated the house and in March I built a fire at night and then about 2 o’clock in the morning it caught the couch on fire called the living room fire and completely destroyed the house.

After that we went to my grandmas house for about three days and then we went to my aunts house for about a month and then their landlord told us that we couldn’t stay any longer so our insurance is paying for a hotel. After looking into renting another apartment we could not find anything within our budget everywhere we’ve looked is 800 to 1000 if not more and we just cannot swing it. My dad offered to buy us a trailer and we looked into getting a trailer but they were very small and that park that they were in we’re just very gross so we didn’t want to do that and then we looked into buying a house now buying a house my dad is going to give us the down payment for whatever he was gonna buy the trailer for. We have been looking at houses and we were talking with the lender and the lender had told me and my mom that we weren’t going to be approved because of her credit score now my credit score was good I just didn’t have the income and my mom has the income but not the credit so we won’t be approved with the two of us so the lender had told us to have me and my dad on it so my dad would be the non-occupancy cosigner and I would be the primary owner. The lender had ran my dad‘s credit his credit is 800 and he suggested that I’ll be put on his Sam’s Club credit card so that my credit score would go up a little bit higher so for about three days we try to do that and we’ve been going back-and-forth with Sam’s Club trying to figure out how to get me added and today we were in store twice and called online three times trying to figure out how I can be added one person is telling us that we have to call the company the others telling us we have to go to in store so eventually we just bought a membership with just me and him he spent $100 and I still cannot be added to his credit account and I feel just horrible for making my dad go through all this work and spending all this money trying to help me and it’s just not working. 



Sidenote I’m still getting to the point I just want need to tell y’all the backstory. 

So anyway I went and talk with the new lender because my realtor suggested that the lender I was talking to wasn’t a very good one so she gave me somebody that she knows so I talk to him today he really didn’t give me much information other than telling me to fill out this form which I’ve been trying to do but I can’t finish it because I do not have bank statements or W-2s or the last two months of a paystub because I have not worked since December. I only just started back to work Saturday and have yet to receive a paycheck I have nine dollars in my bank account and about 400 in my savings and I have a bout $2000 in debt.

At this point I have no fucking clue what the fuck I am supposed to do. I already have a learning disability which my type of disability is where I cannot comprehend certain things I have been trying to get as much information as I can and I’ve been trying to work with people trying to have them explain things to me and I am just not understanding anything anybody’s tells me I don’t even know what my fucking name is at this point.

I feel like such a burden. Honestly I feel like I am 14 years old I just am so beyond anything right now I don’t even feel like a human being all I wanna do is fucking cry because I don’t know what to do I don’t know anything I literally know nothing I feel like a fucking child I’m 21 years old and I do not feel like I am 21. I want to add that every day since I was 15 I did the same thing every single day I quit high school in like the ninth grade and I sit in my house day in and day out well when I had a house now I sit in the hotel day in and day out I do absolutely nothing but sit in a bed and watch TV or watch TickTock‘s or whatever I don’t have any friends I don’t talk to anybody I don’t know anybody I do nothing I talk to my dog and I talk to my mom I don’t talk to anyone and I’ve been doing this day in and day out for eight years if not longer. Since I’ve been doing the same thing day in and day out for years I feel like my age has not changed because I’m not doing anything different than what I did when I was 15 I feel like a fucking child because I don’t do anything that a normal adult. I don’t drive I don’t hang out with friends I don’t go out I don’t do anything and it’s really starting to fuck me up mentally.

I’m trying to get my life together but it’s incredibly hard when you have nowhere to live I’m trying to go and get my permit so I can get my license I’m trying to get a better job but I can’t get a better job until I drive and I can’t get a house until I get a better job and in till I drive so I’m just stuck. I am just stuck in one place and I can’t move. I am so in over my head trying to buy a house I don’t even realize it it didn’t hit me until just now that I don’t even have any qualifications to buy a fucking house right now. I want to stop looking for a house until I get a job and I drive and then I feel like I will be ready to look at a house and I’ll be ready to buy one.

I know this post was very over the place but I don’t know how to write and I don’t know what to tell you guys I just wanted to get shit off my chest and hopefully y’all would understand and maybe talk to me because I don’t know what to do right now