Avoiding the bedroom

I have just come to the end of my third miscarriage in the space of 8 months and I am numb. The first time I took some time to myself and stayed off work for a week, the second time I took days off dotted within the week to go and have blood drawn, this time around I have taken no leave of absence. I generally feel fine during the day with the bustling work life distracting the thoughts that I really do not want to deal with. My problem is the night: I am going to bed later and later every night. I am exhausted and yet I can’t bare the thought of going up that wooden hill to bed with my husband for fear that I will drown in sadness. I feel guilty for distracting myself during the day, I feel guilty that I couldn’t keep hold of this rainbow, I feel guilty that for those who knew of my pregnancy I am lying to them when I say that I am ok. I feel guilty that I could not make my husband a dad again and my son will not have the title of big bro. My nights are my hell right now. I feel lost and alone and yet I am surrounded by love and support.