Confused

Hello everyone I don’t even know where to begin I’m an emotional wreck!!! So my husband and I suffered a traumatic loss last April in the midst of COVID. We lost our first baby girl at 30 weeks. After the tragedy we both agreed to give it some time and grieve. Over the past year I have had three scares and they are always 6 mos away from each other. First scare was Oct 2020 I was 6 mos pp and I literally freakkkkeddd and was like no way am I ready, well next it was March 2021 and I was actually excited even, I was a week late took a test BAM big fat “NEGATIVE” and my cycle started literally minutes afterwards. 🙄🙄 so after that event I have recently in the last month gave him the ok to “go freely” and that I’m comfortable with it, and so he does although he literally stopped the week of ovulating this month and his last time was two days before ovulation. I’m a big overthinker and I’m just so upset with myself for thinking that I “could be” and I’ve gotten my hopes up once more just to be let down. I feel horrible. One bc of my brain! But also two bc we weren’t “actively trying” & there are those of you who are and who have been for years now and I feel so stupid and selfish.