Realized I’m miserable

I’m miserable I thought I had finally become happy after child loss but I guess I faked it for so long I fooled myself into believing I was happy but I’m not I’m miserable and I think I may suffer from second hand suicide if that’s a thing like I don’t think of hurting myself but if it happens I won’t be mad like I really don’t have a reason to live or a purpose I’m just over it seriously I paint myself to be bright and happy when people look at me or even talk to me but when they leave my area my face is emotionless I just realized this, this past weekend and I don’t believe in god or don’t have faith and why should I when he took two babies from me in the same year and how do I know I wasn’t pregnant before and had a miscarriage I don’t