i’m uninterested in being intimate

to start off i’ve had an extremely low sex drive for the past two years. i’m completely uninterested in sex and it happened randomly. i’ve gotten every blood/hormone test in the book, even went to see a pelvic floor therapist and there’s zero explanation for it. my doctors just said it must be a mental thing and diagnosed me with FSAD.

it made TTC extremely difficult but we finally got pregnant september of last year. being pregnant i was able to dodge my husbands advances by complaining, and then after i had my baby 2 months ago i was able to go sex free until my pp check up. i even scheduled it kinda late so instead of a 6wk check up, it was a 8wk check up. that night my husband and i had sex, but i’ve noticed im having an even more difficult time being intimate than usual. i mean the actual thought of having sex disgusts me and i no longer want to be kissed or touched. the only thing i don’t mind is cuddling but like i don’t want him to touch anything.

i’m so sad because i love my husband but just the idea of all that is so,, repulsive and i have no idea why..

i think part of it is because i pump feed. i didn’t want to pump or breast feed but my husband didn’t want the baby drinking formula so we compromised and i exclusively pump feed. it literally makes me hate myself. i hate the way i feel after i pump, i hate looking at myself, i hate EVERYTHING about lactating. at one point i was put on medication so the baby couldn’t drink my breast milk and i was able to stop pumping completely. it was seriously the best i’ve felt, but then i got off the medication and my husband made me start pumping again and i just feel disgusting all the time. but he won’t let me stop without calling me a bad mom because i’m “putting chemicals into the baby” which i know isn’t true.

so anyways the biggest issue i’ve come across is today i thought “okay tonight i’m going to try to have sex” like actually put in the effort. i read a whole bunch of things online and one of them said to try and masturbate before having sex to put yourself in the mood. so i told my husband i was going to shower and went to try that. well before i could even do anything he came into the bathroom and i told him to leave. he wouldn’t and he ended up seeing what i was doing and now he keeps making fun of me. it completely ruined my mood and now i just give up on trying.

he keeps trying to kiss me and when i say to leave me alone he says “you’re so mad i caught you jerking off” and then laughing. like he knows what i’ve been going through but he’s just being so insensitive. i don’t think i ever want to try to have sex again..

EDIT: no one is forcing him to be monogamous, he chooses to be. that’s literally not the issue here.