So I have a childhood friend (why is it always the childhood friends 🙄) that I've always felt a connection with. We've known each other since middle school and we never lost contact (or seen each other since).

Long story short we ended up trying to be a thing last year (long distance) but it just didn't work for us. I guess the distance was just messing things up and honestly I acted crazy and I feel like I messed up our relationship (not our friendship). The only reason I acted crazy tbh was cause at the time, I didn't realize how much healing I needed from my last relationship (he was abusive) and just a lot of healing in general from a toxic family environment I had just gotten out of.

We're still friends to this day and we still check up on eachother. We've both honestly grown a lot. I've put a lot of work into my healing and fully accept the fact that the way I acted was not okay, which honestly I'm a little embarrassed about. And well, he's not completely innocent either but idk I think we were both just different people a year ago. But we always said it just wasn't our time to be together.

Anyways I'm out of town for a while but when I get back he plans on visiting me. He plans in taking an Uber to see me cause he has 2 jobs now. And well I'm recently graduated so I've been in a different state, out of town, completely broke. And idk when I get back I have to get 2 jobs because my mom gave away our couches and beds cause if bed bugs, so I know I need to work my ass of to replace those things plus more. Pretty much I don't have my shit together, so I don't wanna see him yet yk.

And it's like yea we're supposed to be friends, but we both know it's more than that yk.

We don't text too much (honestly I'm just bad at conversation) but we still check up on eachother. And idk I've slept with people since our little incident last year, but never really connected with someone like that. He has, just his thing didn't work (and who's to say he's not texting someone else yk).

Idk I keep running from him tho. It's like I keep pushing him away, maybe cause I'm afraid. But it's not a bad type of fear, it's like just the fear of the unknown.

Usually with people that I've been with, I always felt this comfort of just KNOWING. I've known him longer than any of my friends but I know I don't fully KNOW him. I don't know how to explain it. But when I think of him, it's like I feel nervous, but like a good time of nervous, from not knowing.

He's the one I go to when I need someone on my side, so there is comfort. But also what we have is exciting even, maybe thrilling.

I don't know how to explain how I feel, maybe I'm just crazy cause we haven't seen each other for so long and it really is nervousness.

I just feel such a deep connection with him. And I know he feels it too, we're more than friends but not a couple. And I honestly feel we're both afraid of this. Cause it could either be really good or really bad.

Anyways I just needed to vent. Would love some advice if you've read thru this mess lol