Last week I posted quite a lot about my grandmother passing, about how angry I was and how guilty I felt that I didn't particularly care because she was so awful to me at times.

Her funeral was yesterday and I didn't cry at all. In fact I spent so much time scoffing at how people described her as a loving and gentle and soft spoken woman. And again, I was just so angry that I never had that experience with her.

But today I can't stop crying.

As we were wheeling her coffin out, she was sent off with the most beautiful version of Amazing Grace I've ever heard (July Collins) and I just keep replacing it over and over. And I've watched her funeral (it was live streamed for those who couldn't attend in person then loaded onto YouTube) already once this morning.

I feel so much more guilty that I was angry at her. And I think wheeling her out and sending her off helped me let go of my anger, but I'm now also angry that I could only do this so late, after her funeral. I just wish that while she was alive, she acknowledged what she did and apologized, instead of expecting me to put my emotion baggage aside because shame, she's old and frail. I never let on that I still had so much anger, I told her I loved her, I visited her, I took her out. She knew I loved her regardless and I always felt like she didn't really love me the same.

I know that I'll get over this eventually and learn to fully accept the cards that were dealt, but today it's just too hard.