Loss at 5 weeks

I miscarried at just over 5 weeks. It’s super early and I barely even had time to get used to the idea of being pregnant but it’s devastating just the same. I’m almost 35 (so, “old”) and I was so excited to be pregnant with baby number 2. But it felt weird from the start. I spotted, brown and very lightly, but consistently from 4 weeks onward. I thought maybe it was normal, but I was still a bit worried. Then last night it became bleeding and now there’s really no question that it’s over before it really started. Red blood, mild cramping, clots - it’s pretty textbook at this point.

I’m debating even going to the doctor. I mean, what will they even tell me? I’ve read that under 5 weeks could even be considered a chemical pregnancy and you don’t even necessarily need to go to the doctor. It will just be like a slightly heavier period. And I was 5 weeks and 1 day. So basically the same. What would you do? I just want to curl up, wait until it’s over and start trying again.

I feel sad, but also since it was so early I also feel that I have no right to be grieving like this. So there’s guilt there too. I’m trying to take comfort in the fact that it was my body’s way of terminating a pregnancy that wasn’t viable.

But it hurts.