Can’t face a positive test becoming negative

I feel kind of crazy and not sure what I am looking for from posting here… maybe someone can relate? I’m 15 dpo, two days past my predicted AF as I typically have a 26 day cycle. 10 dpo and 11 dpo I had positive Frer tests, but the test on day 11 didn’t show much line progression, it might have been a hair darker. I also took a handful of accumed tests throughout both those days… all very faint positives, but didn’t seem to get darker. So I stopped testing. I’m 42, had a chemical in March and I just can’t fool myself again into thinking I’m pregnant only to not be pregnant a few days later. I’m having lower back pain and some cramping (similar to the cp in March) and very few pregnancy symptoms. I am just assuming I will get my period in the next day or two. I even told my best friend that the line didn’t get darker and I’m having the same cp symptoms and that’s that. I haven’t said a word since. Just assuming I’m not pregnant. Anyway, that’s all. I know I sound nuts.